February 11, 2009

The New Maybe

There comes a point of no return in any relationship where it becomes clear that you have a choice to disclose your shit, or keep it hidden. My blog and I have arrived at that point, and I'm choosing to disclose.

I got married at 23 and divorced at 25. I'm not telling how old I am now. 25+ is good enough. I have a hard time being easy on 23 year old me, because I look back and think, how could I be so stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid. But on a good day, I can admit that at 23, I was naive, and desperate to please, to be loved, to find my place, and I had no idea where to start. So when people came along and said, "Here. Your place is here" or "You should do this" instead of screaming and lighting their faces on fire like I would today, I said "Thank you. Thank you, I'll do my best over here, you'll see. Just for you." Because doing anything just for me was pretty selfish, and I was trying to fit my saint pants and make everyone happy.

So I got married. And I knew, somewhere, maybe down in my toes, that it wasn't the right thing to do. But I felt like things were beyond my control, and that it was too late to stop it. Oh, baby, do I ever know now that I'm always completely in control of what I choose, and I can stop things at anytime. But 23 year old me didn't, and she got married. Even though her toes knew better, her hands sent out invitations and her mouth smiled and said the words. But then her toes told her ankles. Ankles told knees.

Word spread, and a feeling of dread went with it. By the time it got to my liver, every time I opened my mouth, I felt bile rise. 24 year old me tried to just resign herself to it, and tried comforting herself with the possibility of reincarnation and making better choices next time. Not very fucking comforting, let me tell you. By the time the knowing spread to my heart, I knew what to do. And it hit my throat and I said out loud for the very first time
"I'm on the wrong bus."
No one really heard, so I tried screaming
Well, now everyone is staring at me like I'm crazy, but they still don't understand. They offer to let me off at the next stop, but I'm adamant. I'm not going one more mile in the wrong direction, thank you very much. Let me off.
"oh, but we can't get your stuff out here. Just wait til the stop, and we can think about what to do. Maybe this is the right bus, maybe you just aren't sure where you want to go?"
No way, hoser. This is the wrong bus, and I don't need any of that crap, so I'm leaving.

So I left, and I pretty much took my cats, my books, a boatload of 'mutual' debt, all the emotional baggage I could carry, and set off on foot. And it took a lot longer for that sense of knowing who I was and where I was headed to reach my eyes so I could see a path. And even longer to reach my brain so that I think I'm making choices with my whole being, and not just reacting to circumstances any more. A large part of figuring out who I am and what I want has led me 5 provinces away from everyone I know, because I needed a lot of space to see things clearly, and even more silence to hear myself think. Even when they love you, people will block your path or try to steer you to what they think is safe. If I've learned anything, it's that I can't take your advice. I'd rather step on my own snakes than get back on your bus. I set those saint pants on fire, and I'm happy in my own dirty jeans. Finally.

It's possible I only posted tonight because I've had this song on repeat all night, but I'm glad I got that out, and even though I still kind of think "How could I be so stupid?" at least I know I'm not so stupid now.

You could write, you could think, you could have sex
You could leave your jewelry in a bowl beside the bed
Stare out the window, down the lawn, to the lake
For as long as it takes

Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe, love is the new maybe

I know what winter's about
Too many nights, not enough days
I watched the birds fly south
And no, I don't wait
The last words out of my mouth
Stay out of my way
And I'm in a wrong place

Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe, love is the new maybe
Maybe, love is the new maybe
Maybe, love is the new maybe
- Tragically Hip

*I want to make clear that this ex-husband wasn't abusive or anything like that. I have all kinds of horrible things I can say about him, but I know that I'm biased and I won't leave them on the internet like stinking little trails of shit. Suffice it to say, I'm a shoe and he's a glove, and it was eventually impossible to pretend that we were a pair.


Angela said...

Thanks for sharing. I also have a ton of huge mistakes behind me. Some days I beat myself up over them. Some days I realize I was little more than a child when I made them. 23 years on this earth is nothing. At 35 I am just figuring out who I am.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lisa, Wow, thanks for sharing. I feel like I know you better and totally get feeling like you are on the wrong bus. It takes allot of courage to be able to make the choices that you have. That could not have been easy. Chris (Gord's mom)

Anonymous said...

This is way late but I just found it.
I'm the ex.
At the time it sucked and I was very upset. I too could say a lot of horrible things about Lisa and the things that happened but that was long ago. We are both in better places now and she was right that we shouldn't have married but in the end I think it got us to were we want to be. I hope her all the best in life and I hope she holds no ill feelings about the past.


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