Please buy your cocaine from a trusted drug dealer. Some unscrupulous person or persons operating in the province have laced the drug with a dangerous substance. Shocking, I know. Cause otherwise cocaine use is safe as houses.
I know you'll all appreciate the warning, especially this part:
"The province has issued a cocaine warning after several people who used the drug became sick."
Not "hey, don't use cocaine at all, you bloody idiots.", just a friendly reminder that illegal drugs aren't quite as safe as a sealed bottle of Tylenol from the pharmacy, you know, in case you FORGOT.
It reminds me of the day our biology teacher told our class that if we smoked, we were more likely to die. Not "more likely to die of smoking related illnesses like lung cancer", just 'more likely to die'. As though we were all immortal once, but for that first puff of cigarette smoke. Now that I think about it, I've never smoked. Snaps for living forever. :)