July 18, 2008


We just got back from an early morning walk, although for us it's still part of last night. Gord wanted to take me to the park down the road and show me the squirrels, who are very active just after sunrise. It's raining, and they weren't out this morning. It's a strange, light drizzle with lots of thunder and lightning. So we just sat in the park for a while and watched the sky get lighter as the sun came up. You never really see the sun come up in a city, there are too many things in the way unless you've got a good vantage point.

I've been feeling like a freak since long before we left Calgary, and it hasn't quite gone away yet. I had a life there, a job, friends & family and all the stuff that is supposed to make you complete, but it wasn't working. I could have tried for a better paying job and bought a house, and that's supposed to be what people want. This just sounds like bullshit to me, because of all the people I knew, not one of them seemed really happy. They were all searching for something, or waiting for something, or drinking something. Probably all three at once. Anyway, we were sitting in the park in the rain, listening to the thunder - it really is different here. In Calgary, it's usually short and sharp. The thunder here really takes its time. Nothing is in a rush in Montreal. So, I guess I did pick the right city, because what I needed was to stop and think a while, with nothing to do but think the next thought that comes along and see where it leads. Do you have any idea how rushed we all are, with all the lists of 'have to's' running through our minds every second?

We like to think in years when all we have are days. We've all made plans for years down the road, and throw away the days on meaningless crap because we've fooled ourselves into thinking we're keeping an eye on the bigger picture. If we were, we'd make those days count for more than the errands we ran, the tasks completed. It matters what you do with your time. I can't keep doing meaningless work for a paycheck. Not to be too dramatic, but I think it was destroying my soul. What was the point of it? To make money so that in the pitiful amount of time I had free from work and responsibility, I was so mentally drained, all I could do was self medicate with distractions. And do this for 60 years, and somehow raise a family and teach my kids to throw out their days with the trash because thats all I'd know how to do.

It was a fairly depressing situation, and I'm glad I've climbed out of it. I don't know what's coming next. None of us are guaranteed anything. If you wake up tomorrow, make it count. Get some things out of the way so you can see the sunrise.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's true, but all we have are days to waste for the big picture. You have found your right kind of medicine, it seems.
Yeah, we are wasting away- waiting for life to start. Waiting for everything to begin and grow and take root. Cryogenesis is draining and this permenent pause detestable. Some day, we will start going too. I hope that everyday is slow for you, and that you never forget that you finally have the one thing everybody is searching for- peace of mind.


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