October 27, 2008

Horror Stories

In honor of Halloween, I'm going to share some of my favorite scary stories.

When I was about 8 or so, Dr Dean Edell was on the news talking about what happens during labour. He drew a circle on a big sheet of white paper, and "blah, blah, blah tearing..."and he drew a big jagged line, like so
This was bad enough, but then he starts talking about how that jagged tear is hard to stitch up, so the Doctors like to make an incision, like so.
Well, woohoo for you, doctor. I don't see anyone waving a scalpel around your scrotum. You wouldn't be so blase about a little incision then.

The second horror story comes from junior high when a friend of mine informed me that, what with all the pushing during labour, you might just poop in front of everyone. I haven't got over that embarrassment and I only imagined it happening to me.

The third horror story comes from working the photo lab. People take pictures of the damndest things. Some guy took a picture of his wife either during or just after childbirth, cropping it so all that's in the picture are her legs and bloody carnage. I swear, it looked like someone had popped a flesh colored inner-tube, sewn it to her crotch and tossed a jar of chunky spaghetti sauce on her. I will never forget that image. And there's no coming back from that, Keigel be damned. I bet you anything that woman is still walking around town in floor length dresses because she can't find pants to accomodate her inner-tube.

And to those who offer up a C-section as an alternative to inner-tube carnage...Let's think this through, shall we? Real women are not the magical pregnant Barbie who's plastic pregnant belly just pops off and out comes the baby, and hey, you've got your figure back to boot. There's no 'alternative route' for that kid. They cut a hole through your gut and rip it out. How on earth is that any better?! When there are all those babies already on the outside. So yeah, I'm pro adoption, and thank God Gord is too so he will never offer me up to the baby gods on a shit and carnage splattered table.

As far as adoption goes, I don't see what the big deal is. 1, I've never ever ever in my life held a baby that I wouldn't have gladly taken home (if I were ever in a position to give it a decent life, and we're not, don't anyone start freaking out and knitting booties.) And 2, of all the people in my life that I love, exactly none of them have burst forth from my loins. I think I can manage to love a couple more 'strangers'.

But then....there's an awful lot of paperwork that goes with adopting, isn't there? Maybe we'll stick to dogs and cats for now.


Angela said...

I am glad I am not alone. I saw afterbirth on a film once. I am 35, been married almost 8 years and no kids...I just blame that video!

Lisa said...

I know, it's terrifying! I should call my mother and apologize.


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