Hunting Hot Dogs

We're apartment hunting again, but with a big difference this time.

1 - people call me back
2 - we can go see the damn place

Yeah, that's right. We signed a lease and moved across the country last summer without ever seeing our apartment. Big no-no. We had very few....make that zero...other options. (Of the 2 people who actually got back to me last year, one wanted us to sign over our first born child, donate a kidney each and pay 3 months up front. We like our kidneys.) We were moving, getting the hell out of Calgary no matter what. We were coming to Montreal no matter what. We didn't have jobs, or plans, or anything but the lure of low rent and a different kind of life. It worked. And our little apartment had it's charms at first.

"Oh, look! Hardwood floors!"
"Look at the teeny tiny bathroom! How cute!"
"Radiators? Where the hell is the thermostat?"

But now that we're here and we've got options, we're ready to move to a place that has laundry in the building, maybe doesn't have a hole in the living room wall, maybe has more than one drawer in the kitchen, maybe has a bedroom door that shuts all the way, maybe won't blow a fuse when you have the microwave and the toaster going at the same time....and all this could be ours for $100 less a month.

That's right, Calgary friends. We're looking at 2 bedroom apartments for $600 a month, 5 blocks or less from the metro, which would get us to school in 15 minutes on a slow day. HA! (Sorry, Kel, I don't mean to taunt you and your 45 minute hike to school.)

For those that don't know first hand, Calgary Transit runs on E-time. This means, if you wait at a stop, there will Eventually be a bus. Maybe. Unless it's raining or snowing. I once waited downtown during rush hour for 45 minutes in a downpour without seeing a single bus that was going towards my area. Talk about fucked. I probably could have walked home in 55 minutes.
Or how about the time I waited 30 minutes in -40 weather, with no bus shelter because the army of shelter hating crackheads had broken the glass 2 months ago and it hadn't been replaced yet. Those are the days you call in 'sick'. It was a huge relief when I got my Honda and could take my hour and a half (one way) commute down to 45 minutes. God, I hate that city. Too bad there are so many awesome people still living there, or I would NEVER go back. Well, maybe just long enough to get an A-Bomb. When we go back this summer, I'll take a before and after picture. The last time I had one, it really did explode. And hey, it'll be May. What are the odds it's going to snow? Just because last year....and the year before that...

We'd better pack for snow.

Run for your lives!

Be careful - the world is full of lurking liberals! Oh, Steve. You're such an ass. He's all smiles and smarm when Obama comes to town, but behind closed doors, apparently ALL the economic of the world, but especially Canada, are the fault of Obama and those darn lurking liberals.

Lets not point out that Obama has only been in charge for 2.5 months. It sure wasn't dear old W who had anything to do with the economy of the US for the last 8 years. And it's not like Stevey boy could have done anything to better prepare for this, he's not the Prime Minister or anything. Hasn't been for the last 3 years. Or has he....?

Oh, but you know, I just bet that every time he wanted to help the average Canadian (average Canadian Christian white male , that is), I just bet those sneaking dirty Liberals stopped him. IF ONLY! If only he'd been allowed to lock up all those 14 year old murderers and throw away the key! If only abortion were illegal! (Why, then he could throw LOTS of teenage 'murderers' in prison forever! WHEE!!) If only it were illegal to pay women more than 60% of what men make for the same job! We'd soon see a blessed change if ONLY Stephen Harper and his glorious army of old white men were really in charge of making Canada "a great nation", instead of all those lurking Liberals who have no place in a democracy.


I hope to god you all got the sarcasm there.

Open Letter to Steve,

Dear Steve,

I know you are threatened by the fact that Iggy is taller than you, but PLEASE. For the love of god, pull your head out of your ass, and get to work on something USEFUL. No, attack ads don't count. I know they're fun, but you're like the unpopular kid in high school who somehow managed to get elected class president, and now you're trying to cancel the senior class trip and make science fair mandatory. CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. We all just want to go to Six Flags, and you're ruining everything.

Try to download a new operating system, RoboHarper. Maybe something with Smileys.

You sincerely suck,

Yours truly,
Much of Canada, Except Alberta, They Still Like You For Reasons I Can't Fathom.

So much for that theory

Apparently, you can be too poor for the good toilet paper. The environmental costs are too high. This is why I don't bother making resolutions at New Years or any other time. There's always something that comes up that negates the whole thing.

Like this article that implies using soft toilet paper is the equivalent of driving a Hummer.

The environmentalists say regular use of soft tissue paper is flushing trees from Canada's ancient forests down the toilet and causing as much global warming pollution as someone who drives a gas-guzzler.

You know it's bad when these stories show up in the Calgary Herald, a city owned entirely by oil & gas. So when we finish the super deluxe tp I got on Friday, we're going back to recycled. We're just going to have to do some product testing to find the least objectionable. I'll let you know when we discover the best of the recycled tp options.

Yes Pecan!

Gord and I have a special relationship with Ben & Jerry's. It's what we turn to whenever we have something to celebrate (valentines day) or something to mourn (losing a hockey game). We usually go with Cherry Garcia, but next time we're celebrating something, we'll keep an eye out for the Obama inspired flavor.

Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. For George W. they they asked for suggestions from the public.

Here are some of their favorite responses:
Grape Depression
The Housing Crunch
Abu Grape
Cluster Fudge
Nut'n Accomplished
Good Riddance You Lousy *$%er... Swirl
Iraqi Road
Chock 'n Awe
WireTapioca
Impeach Cobbler
Guantanmallow
imPeachmint
Heck of a Job, Brownie!
Neocon Politan
RockyRoad to Fascism
Cookie D'oh!
Nougalar Proliferation
Death by Chocolate... and Torture
Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
Credit Crunch
Mission Pecanplished
Country Pumpkin
Chunky Monkey in Chief
WMDelicious
Chocolate Chimp
Bloody Sundae
Caramel Preemptive Stripe
I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands . . . with nuts.

Good old Ben & Jerry, always amusing.

And Barack Obama was in Canada today. He showed Steve how to smile and wave at the crowds, although we all know they weren't cheering RoboHarper. And then Barack Obama had a beaver tail. It's just a flat doughnut, don't get PETA on the phone. But they talked about that damn doughnut for a good hour on CBC, because the eating of doughnuts is both more interesting and more satisfying than anything Steve has to say.

And we're probably going to have to have doughnuts and ice cream for dinner.

Day 3

Again, I forgot to give you the best shot of the day, good old prairie sunset.


Do you see the Nefarious Frog God? He was a portent of the night to come, but did we heed the warning? We did not. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there - don't cross the NFG. You'll spend a sweltering night tormented by the Judds and mosquitos, and wake to find this:


That's the Cat Sass Tavern. And beside it is the L'agimodiere Restaurant, where you can get steak & eggs for $6.49, and the coffee is heavenly. Its the kind of place where the locals will grab a pot and fill up everyones mug while they're at it. Delicious food. Worth going to Winnipeg for.

Roadkill: 11 (one of which was a moose, which was heartbreaking. Little gophers are easier to take, especially because they all seem to be suicidal)
Caffeinated beverages: 4




High 5's: 3

LIVE ANIMALS!! Gord saw 1 scampering little black bear soon after we entered

Hey, it ain't easy getting the shot from a moving car. No time to stop. NO TIME!
Also saw one live deer. Go Ontario, with your wildlife being all alive and such.

Sign of the day: Woman Abuse is a Crime.

Holy shit, Canada. We need billboards for this? Come on.

So, now that we've left the prairies behind and entered Ontario, we can see why everyone thinks the prairies are flat. They are, but for 2 kids from the prairies, they don't look so flat. Ontario is very pretty, lakes everywhere, and these inukshuk guys:


After driving this far, I haven't really seen any place in Canada that isn't pretty. We have a very pretty country, at least for the mile or so on either side of the Transcanada. There isn't anywhere that I wouldn't consider living, except maybe here:


And we're headed for Thunder Bay, which we make in good time and are able to find a Travelodge that allows pets AND has a room. Perhaps we've shaken the curse of the NFG.
It rained a lot in the last 2 days though, and that's when we notice that the tarp covering the mattress has come loose and the mattress got a bit wet. Damn duct tape. I guess we didn't use enough.

So we get an actual bed for the night, and showers, and internet access...oh, it was good times.



Gas to get this far:
Calgary $33.00 @ 131.9
Medicine Hat $39.00 @ 130.9
Swift Current $40.00 (I'm guessing, we lost the receipt)
Regina $37.00 @ 139.9
Moosomin $34.00 @ 139.9
Winnipeg $40.00 (again, no receipt)
Kenora $42.50 @ 137.9
Ignace $39.80 @ 143.9

Day 2

Whoops. Forgot to mention the incredible sunsets you get in the prairies. See above.

I can't say how Gord felt that morning, but I woke up in a motel in Swift Current Tuesday morning thinking "What have I done?! I left my friends and family for this? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit..."
But we press on, stopping for gas and Tim Hortons. We start each day unsure of how far we're going to make it, and we don't have any reservations anywhere except in Montreal for the night of the 30th, to see E.S.T. at the Jazz Festival. We're aiming for Winnipeg today.

A light rain starts as we leave SC and continues for the next 4 hours. Swift Current...we wouldn't go back. But the coffee was excellent. Also, I heard that terrible song "I Kissed a Girl" on Saskatchewan radio. I didn't think they were that progressive out there. My brain is just a big knot of stereotypes, slowly being unraveled on this trip.

We pass Moose Jaw and there is indeed a moose. Witness the mooseyness of that moose, bein all moose-like.



When we hit Regina...The Apocalypse, Uber Rain. Took pictures, but they don't do it justice so I'm not going to post them.

Roadkill: 25. 25?!?! Shame on you, Saskatchewan.
Caffeinated beverages: 6
High 5's: 4

Sign of the Day:
Life is sacred, from conception to natural death.

A trend is starting, the sign of the day goes to the one that gives us the most willies. We see another "Life is Sacred" sign later that says "Take my hand, not my life".

"What's all this Christian propoganda on the side of the road?"
-Gord

The sign says
"Dam Days August 1,2 2008"
and under that
"Wolseley
Town Around a Lake"

Oh Saskatchewan. Your utter lack of personality is adorable, you know that? Who's a cute little province?

396. I don't think we'll make it today, but I'm wrong. Oh man am I wrong. We enter Manitoba and just keep driving. By now, it is pretty flat, and the road just goes on and on, with nothing to really break it up except religious billboards and gas stations. For some reason in our log book, we've written

"What colour do I want? Brown!...It's coffee, not doo-doo". And I can't remember why Gord said that, or why we thought it was so hilarious.
(*edit...Gord just came in and cleared this up for me. He was discussing what flavour toffee he wanted.)

We enter Winnipeg at about 11, and drive right through it without seeing the Travelodge I thought was supposed to be there. We spot one on the eastern limits of the city and think we're home for the night, but no. This one does take pets, but they don't have any 'pet friendly' rooms available for the night, and since the cats are still pretty freaked, we wanted to stop somewhere and let them out, see if they would finally eat something.
So we pass on the Travelodge. Looking back - bad idea. We exit the city, thinking there would be motels and hotels on the east side of Winnipeg, and we'd just pick one of them. Ha.
There are no hotels. We gas up at a PetroCanada on the edge of Winnipeg, and there are no lights off in the distance that we can aim for. This is my fault. As we entered the city, I told Gord to text our families and let them know we were staying in Winnipeg for the night. So we keep driving, and driving, and finally about a half hour, 45 minutes out of Winnipeg we see a truck stop next to a restaurant that is closed, but it's far enough from the highway, and we're tired so we stop.

We do our best to get comfortable in the car, but it's not easy. The night is hot and muggy, the cats are climbing over us and the mosquitos are out in force. Gord is in the passenger seat, wrapped up entirely in a blanket as protection from the mosquitos (looks like he's wearing a burka) and I'm on the back seat. Gord is singing "Love can build a bridge" in his best Cartman impersonation, trying to get comfortable when I see him bolt up out of his seat to flail ineffectually at the mosquitos, screaming
"I will bathe in the blood of my enemies!!...Technically, it's my blood."
And I think I giggled myself to sleep. Beat that, Travelodge.

So ends day 2.

Gas to get this far:
Calgary $33.00 @ 131.9
Medicine Hat $39.00 @ 130.9
Swift Current $40.00 (I'm guessing, we lost the receipt)
Regina $37.00 @ 139.9
Moosomin $34.00 @ 139.9
Winnipeg $40.00 (again, no receipt)