Wanglo

Here's the thing about me. I'm stupid. I stay up very very late on Monday and Wednesday nights because I don't have class til 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and can pretty much sleep until 3 if I so choose. No biggie. I make it to class.

But Tuesday and Thursday nights, I am not tired, I end up getting a whopping 3 or 4 hours of sleep before I have to be in French class at 10am. I thought I was ok. I made it through Wednesday's class. Today, I felt like I'd swapped brains with old W.

We start every class with role call, in French, and the professeur asks everyone a question using some of the terms we learned in the previous class. It's great practice, and we all learn a lot. Today, I'm sitting in class, waiting for my double double to cool to a drinkable temp, and I'm trying so very hard to stay awake, to pay attention, to understand what my classmates are saying......and I think to myself,

"Why is it so hard? It's like they're speaking a different language..."

I expect my official Idiot certificate is in the mail.

At the back of the roadhouse

They got some buffaloes.

I used to think that's what Jim Morrison was singing. When you're 7, most lyrics sound like nonsense. Besides, you're coming from a musical background wherein women swallow horses to deal with flies. Of course there are buffaloes behind the roadhouse. And "Just for the people who like to go down slow" was there because 'slow' kind of rhymed with 'buffalo', not because the sentence had any meaning in itself.

Other things I didn't understand when I was young - why I couldn't watch Dirty Dancing. I could give a shit for the romance, all the kissing crap, blech, who cares? I just wanted to watch the dancing! But mom said no, and I figured it was because the blond girl had that operation to remove her appendix. That's what was happening, right? She had appendicitis?

I swear I was 15 before I realized she was having an abortion in that scene.

Other stupid things I believed as a child:

- Star Wars was the news from outer space. It looked so official with that yellow text scrolling by.

- that World War 2 was still going on in Europe, that they'd never got out of the 40's.

- that they stopped making music when Buddy Holly died. That one is dad's fault, he TOLD me they stopped making music when Buddy Holly died, and I believed everything he said. Plus, there was that song about "the day the music died" to back him up.

- that it was "Elmer the Fudd", not Elmer Fudd. Dad again. I still have to concentrate to say it correctly.

- that I was missing pages of Anne's House of Dreams and Anne of Ingleside. She kept popping out babies, but NO WHERE did I ever see it written that she was pregnant. A baby would show up, and I'd flip back pages, perturbed with myself for missing the bit where she tells her friends she's pregnant, or even just 'expecting'. I could never find it. There was vague mention of 'what we hope will come'.....and? And from that I'm supposed to know? I guess it was the highest indelicacy to mention such things in a childrens book back then, and I'm (mostly) over it now, but good god. I was confused enough as a child without Lucy Maud Montgomery convincing me I couldn't even read properly.

Anyhoo.....have a great weekend, and don't forget - if you have access to a child, rush out and tell them lies! It'll give them something to blog about later in life. ;)

Titles are boring

Hell's Kitchen is back, trying to kill my faith in humanity with all the whining and scheming and backstabbing and profanity, but YOU CAN'T DO IT, FOX. Barack Obama is on CNN every minute of every day, being awesome and making the world better, and even the soulless jerkoffs at Fox can't stop him.

They can, however, stop Joss Whedon's new show. I think we should start a 'save the show' campaign right now, just because. Because it's Fox, and Joss Whedon, and they like to crush him into a bloody pulp. I haven't seen the show, but on the strength of Buffy and Firefly, and because Eliza Dushku is the shit, and because it's got Helo, I'm really looking forward to the Dollhouse. It starts Friday, February 13th, and I KNOW you guys think you should go out and have a life on Friday nights, especially if its the night before Preposterous Mandatory Love Day, but wouldn't you rather see what crazy wonderful little gems Joss has to share with us?

Presents!

It snowed all day yesterday. The lying internet says 15 - 20 cm's, but I swear there's 2 feet of snow on the top of the car, and - AND - that's only what fell after 4:30 when I slogged through the snow to move the damn car to the right side of the street and had to brush off a foot of snow to do it. Gord claims I am exaggerating, but what does he know? I think the person standing in knee deep snow with her arms buried to the elbow in snow while trying to brush a small avalanche of snow off the windshield has a pretty good idea just how much snow there was.

Walking is treacherous, because you've got a layer of sloppy, mucky snow like wet sand on top of ice, so you step and slide, step and slip, step and slide - another month of this and I'll have buns of steel, or at least buns of less dough.

With all the snow, and the package that arrived today, it was like a mini Christmas. Back in December, I won a blog giveaway from Emerald Arts and with the fabulous speed and dedication we all love, Canada Post delivered it right to my door a mere 7 weeks after it was mailed.


Here are the 2 art books - so creative and beautiful, and you can purchase Volume 2 here -




and Festive Phillip!!! He's so damn adorable, I've got him on my keychain so he can go to school with me. You can get one of his brothers or sisters here.


Thank you, Emeral Arts for making my day! It was such a treat to come home and find these treasures waiting for me.

Because I got high

I spent much of the last week high on various cough medicines. I'm blaming them for the fact that I forgot to mail in some of my student loan forms (even though that was 3 weeks ago), the fact that I haven't felt like blogging or replying to any emails, became addicted to Zoo Tycoon, have only been sleeping in 2 hour snippets, broke the internet yesterday and dropped my pizza on the floor cheese side down tonight at dinner. Those drugs have a lot to answer for.

So as a public service announcement, stay away from Dayquil. That shit will fuck you up, and not in a fun way. Much better are the Buckley's capsules - you don't get that god awful taste and you get a gentle sleepy high, not the "oh shit. the room is spinning and I think I've forgotten my name" Dayquil high. As far as I can tell, one hit of orange death takes about a week to get out of your system.

Due to the drug addiction, I haven't done or accomplished much the last week, except for frakking finally finishing Bleak House. Good old Dickens. And I got the giant Jane Austen book today. The only problem with ordering books online is that sometimes you don't notice that they are behemoths and you could never ever read them in the bath. I really should have suspected, since it's 6 books in one, but I thought it would be fatter and smaller. As a bonus, though, I can count it as weight lifting whenever I read it.

I could lie and say I'm going to read the chapter we're covering in class tomorrow, but the truth is I'm going to make a cup of tea and catch up on House. The cough syrup made me forget it was a new episode Monday night, and I stupidly watched 3 reruns of Jon & Kate Plus Eight instead.
Damn Dayquil, I just want my life back!

Inauguration

It's all over the tv & internet, and I really don't have anything to add to the day. Here's a cute little article about the kids at the first elementary school named after Barack Obama.

"I think it's really cool that he's president because he gets to stop the Iraq war, which has been going on for so long, and he can bring the troops home," said 11-year-old Maritza Morris, a sixth-grader.

It's strange to think the Iraq war has been going on for half this kids life. And what great faith in the President to believe that all he has to do is give the word and the troops can come home.

But my very favorite quote is Esta Thomas, 10 years old, who said "I think that they renamed the school because they believe that Barack Obama was a great leader to many people such as myself. Because each of us in our school also want to grow up to be president one day."

I was thinking about that. A friend of mine lived in America for a couple years when she was young. She told us that the teacher always made a point of saying to the students that any one of them could grow up to be President, and someone would always point out "But not Amanda, cause she's Canadian!" And I was thinking, I can't remember any teacher of mine ever telling any of us we could grow up to be the Prime Minister. It's a whole different culture here.

I can't imagine any Canadian parent looking at their beloved child and saying "Child of mine, some day you could grow up to be an evil, lying, money grubbing, two faced, backstabbing, jackass, motherfucker who will run this country into the ground, goddamit!"

Cause that's how we feel about our Prime Ministers. There's no real prestige with the job, you're basically just the biggest ass in the country, maybe you get a cream pie in the face, and then you write your boring memoirs, "I was an ass, I stole your money, there's nothing you can do about it now, hahaha, The End".

We tell our kids to be hockey players instead.

Much nothing about nothing

It was a balmy -14 today, so we went toque-less. It's practically spring :)

Nothing much happening, except I have the sore throat now, and I'm the one refusing to gargle pee. There's something about being 5 blocks from a pharmacy that makes it seem a bit extreme.

What else? I had some great parking spots today, right in front of Loyola and tonight I found a spot on the right side of the street, so I don't have to move the car til Wednesday. It's all very exciting.

You know what's actually exciting, though? Waiting for the inauguration of Barack Obama. When I get feeling depressed about the rampant stupidity of people, just looking at him gives me hope. I think I'm going to redecorate the living room with Obama posters. In fact, I bet I can get Obama anything over at Etsy.

The last 2 weeks have been full of retail stupidity. Here are my favorites.

Stupid girl "It's my dad's credit card, he said I could use it."
Me "I can't accept any credit card unless the cardholder is here to sign for the purchase."
Stupid girl rolls her eyes, heaves a sigh and pulls out a wad of $50's. "Well, fine, I can pay, but my dad had better pay me back for these books, that's all I can say." And can I assume once she becomes whatever it is she's in school for, she will be reimbursing him for the cost of raising her?

To the multitudes that are talking on their cell - it's rude. Get off, and listen to me when I explain the return policy, or you will become one of the stupid guys & girls we get by the dozens asking "Can I return this without the receipt?"
No. No, you can not. Where on this earth can you do that, you idiot?

Stupid girl "I want to return this. It's new"
...Not after you've highlighted the entire first chapter, hon. And don't tell us you're dropping a course called "Human Sexuality" and returning the textbook called "Human Sexuality" because you didn't know what the class was about. Seriously.

To all the clueless who walk into the store, hand me their book list and say "I need these..."
I am not your personal shopper. Walk your ass around the store and pick up the books your damn self. Yes, princess. That means you and your nasty fake fingernails. Don't roll your eyes at me.


My very, very favorite stupid girl was the one who wanted to buy a calendar for 50% off. You've all seen calendars, right? You know how the back of them shows all the pictures for the months, so there are no surprises....

Stupidest girl "If I don't want this, can I return it?"
If you don't want it, don't buy it. How can life get any easier? These people are why they have to print instructions on each individual toothpick wrapper.

Thank god I'm done in 3 days, so you won't see me on the evening news being arrested for brutally attacking stupid students with a stapler. We have some good heavy ones at work, and by god is it tempting.

PS.

I know I mentioned last week that there was a finished painting to show, but I'm honestly so busy (no, really, I'm busy. Out of the house and everything.) that I am not posting any new Etsy stuff until after the 23rd, because I can't even get to the post office before it closes most days. Even if I sold something, it would be days before I mailed it. Then there's guilt, and the constant feeling that I've forgotten to do something, etc. etc.

But, can I tell you how awesome Artfire is? I just paid my $7 monthly fee without having to do anything at all. Without even thinking about it. Ha! It comes out of my Paypal account automatically, and I know that kind of thing gives some people the willies, but I can never remember these little inconsequential things, like bills. Or when my last doctors appointment was.
If only visits to the dentist could happen without my knowing it. I'd get a little email notice,

"Hello Lisa,
Congratulations, you have no cavaties. You really need to start flossing. We can tell that you aren't.

Sincerely,
your dentist"

Anyway, pics and new shop stuff coming eventually.

Mind over weather

It's snowing again, it's a swirly snowglobe world outside and it's getting COLD. Almost 2 pairs of socks cold. And it's going to be -30 tomorrow. I tried, I really tried, to will some of this down to Mississippi (god, that's fun to type), but I have failed. Maybe I need to know more about air currents for this to work.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to think that what I thought could change how things happened. Like in an airplane, thinking about crashing would make the plane crash. So I focused very very hard on the plane staying up, up, up. Of course, the pink elephant thought was there, but as long as I didn't let the word 'crash' enter the inner monologue, we were fine.

And reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was tough. I got that book for Christmas when I was 9 or 10, and I've read it a lot over the years, but even now, I find myself getting so tense, thinking "What if? What if he doesn't find the golden ticket??!" And part of me honestly thinks that if I don't remain vigilent, the book will change, he won't find the ticket, all the grandparents will die of cold or starvation, the house will fall down, his parents will leave to look for work and never come back, and the last page will just be Charlie, alone and dying in a snowbank.

It's the mark of a really good book that it makes you suspend belief, and my belief has just never come back down to earth.

So I'm going to go put on a thick pair of socks, and think really hard about warmer weather and wind currents. It's bound to work.

I amuse myself, and disgust my family :)

One of the books I ordered with my giftcards was Dave Eggers' "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius", and I was thinking about that title today. Ironic or not, I would never have the balls to give a book that title. Of course, I'll never have any kind of balls. Then I started thinking about how strange it is that guys bring balls into everything. A woman would never say
"She's got tubes", or
"the eggs of that woman!" or
"bitch got womb, yo", when we admired the nerve or vivacity of someone.

Although it would be hilarious if one day we all just started greeting each other with
"Hey, girl, how's it flowing?"
And you could reply
"Heavy as horse piss" or
"Light as rain"
depending on how great or crappy your day was.

And I also think, if guys knew what we really thought of testicles, they would not bring up the topic so often. They don't make you look strong or manly at all. They look as tender and vulnerable as baby birds. As though at one point, you had this terrible accident and they couldn't quite put you back together, and now, unfortunately, your inside bits are left to fend for themselves on the outside. It's why we stay with you, I think, to make sure if there are any other accidents, we get you to the hospital on time so you don't have to go through life with your pancreas hanging from your side like another forgotten kiwi fruit.

ps. Sorry to my dad and brother.