The Hours and Times

Models for Jesus

2009-09-09T20:31:00.002-04:00

Some of my student loan money materialized in my bank account this morning, and to celebrate, I paid my tuition!

Just kidding. Really, I went to Chapters between classes and got some Terry Pratchett's that were missing from my bookshelves. You can never have too much T.P. That pesky tuition will get paid later.

ANTM - I'm keeping an eye on Amber, super Christian girl, who cries and sings about Jesus at the drop of an imaginary hat. MODELS FOR JESUS! They help people...in poorly defined ways.

First french class today, and the obligatory "introduce yourselves in french" exercise. And the teacher did everything in french, which - after a summer off, and one measly french class under my belt, I am proud to say I understood the gist of it. Mostly. I'll tell you this, though. Working in a bilingual work place half the summer didn't help one bit. She never said anything about mayonaise.

Greek and Latin are fun, I like languages so much better when I'm not expected to speak them. And the course on Native Peoples of North America is going to keep me nicely enraged every Tuesday and Thursday. Seriously, if I had a time machine, I'd spend the rest of my life going back in time to kick pompous old white men in the nuts. I've seen the Butterfly Effect, I know you've got to be careful about changing the past - you end up with no arms, and Amy Smart is a drug addict/prostitute. No one wants that. But a little nut pain - I think I can inflict that without drastically changing the course of history.

Oh, apparently Amber and the Models for Jesus are going to save the world. Look out, 2012. She's gunning for you.

Snakes on a plane

2009-09-08T23:54:00.002-04:00

Motherfuckin roaches in my motherfuckin bathroom, yo.

I'm not kidding, this roach last night was at least 3 inches long...ok, maybe only one inch long, but every time I think about it, he gets bigger. It had been a quiet three or four weeks at chez nous. Thank god, because Gord's mom was here and I know she has some roach trauma in her past, and I didn't want her to have PTS while she was visiting. Thanks roach-bitches, for that little detente. Much appreciated.

But they lulled us into thinking we'd won, and the very next day after Chris and Murray left, we saw one...then another...one more...finally culminating in the 3 foot long, giant ass roach that was crawling down the bathroom door last night when I was going to pee before bed.

And my man, with me squeeling and flailing ineffectually, my man kept his head, took control of the situation and with one hand killed that 8 foot tall motherfucking roach. I am so proud. I may one day breed with that man. Just so his mad roach killing skills get passed on.

But now, I can only step inside our bathroom if I fling the door open, scan the room for visible roaches before entering, then look behind or under everything in there. And even then, I'm still too freaked out to perform. Thank god school has started again. I need somewhere to pee.

What he said

2009-08-30T21:13:00.002-04:00

Afterword
by Timothy Findley

Maybe it would be best not to read this until The Diviners has had a chance to sigh and to settle; until you, yourself, have had a chance to sigh and settle.

My friend and I have a rule when we go to plays and movies: neither of us is allowed to talk when the play or movie is over if we perceive the other has been upset or moved by what we've just seen. Surely there's nothing worse than somebody breaking in on your own reflections with: "Wow! What a piece of garbage!" Or even with: "Wasn't that terrific!" It doesn't really matter whether the voice breaking in agrees with you or disagrees. The point is, the only voice that matters when an experience is over is the voice of the experience itself.

A psychologist once remarked that what we experience in dreams can be just as affecting - whether for ill or for good - as what we experience in what we call "reality". Books can hit us hard - or leave us cold. We can set the book aside and say: "I forget." Or we can close the covers and know we will always remember what is between them. Books, like dreams, are essentially private realms. Nothing should be allowed to detract from each person's right to read a book privately and to interpret it freely in the light of what each person has experienced and knows of life. This is why what we receive from critics can be so dangerous. Not that critics are inevitably wrong; only that critics forget, too often, to remind us they speak only for themselves.

That's what I was trying to get at here, and managed to say so poorly. The fact that everything I have to say has already been said, been said more clearly and articulately....strangely liberating. And this right here is why I feel so sorry for those people who don't read, who deliberately chose not to dream, not to experience, not to seek out those rare moments when the words on a page reach out and give your soul the gentle fist bump of understanding. If more people would just pick up a good book - not "a book that lies: a book that clouds or obscures the truth with sentimental claptrap or mind-easing platitudes", maybe there would be less Dr Phil and Prozac, a little more sigh and settle.

Singularity

2009-08-10T22:31:00.002-04:00

The winner of Julie & Julia is.....Trace! Woohoo! It's easy when you're the only one to enter. So, just email me at hourstimes@gmail.com or you can contact me through Etsy if you prefer, at HoursandTimes.Etsy.com, and I'll get that out to you asap. Enjoy the book, and prepare yourself for crazy food cravings while you read it. Maybe stock up on some cheese before you start.

Julie & Julia giveaway

2009-08-06T18:27:00.003-04:00

So sometimes, just when you are whining and complaining about your stupid job cutting into your book buying time, you get lucky and win a book from Pickles on Pizza (she's having another giveaway, go enter!), and it makes the whole day better. Especially since it was Julie & Julia, which I've wanted to read since I saw the movie trailer - because the book is always better than the movie, and the movie looks pretty good.

The book arrived yesterday, and since I was working in the quiet, air conditioned peace of the bookstore, with hardly any customers, I read almost uninterrupted and I finished it this afternoon. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and desperately want to cook something - maybe those garlic mashed potatoes with garlic cream sauce. There is no such thing as too much garlic.

Now comes the hard part, because this is absolutely a book I'll read again, but I'm bound by the laws of the blog book giveaway to pass it on. Leave a comment below and I'll draw a winner on Monday, and send it on to the next lucky blogger.

Crap-urday

2009-08-06T16:17:00.003-04:00

Last Saturday I got called in to work, because a coworker had water in his lungs, a legitimate medical emergency, or because said douchebag wanted to spend the weekend at 'the cottage'. If you've got a cottage to go to, why are you wasting your time - more importantly my time - pretending you want to work at a minimum wage job that you can never be bothered to show up for?

I wasn't supposed to be there, sweating in impossible heat, swatting flies off of food, and dealing with dickhead teenagers - I was supposed to be having a late brunch with Gord, going book shopping and sitting in the shade at Westmount park reading one of my new books all afternoon. Add to that the fact that it was the busiest day ever, non stop for 8 freaking hours, and I got nauseous from not eating all day, and I was pretty much Dante from Clerks, screaming "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" in my head for 10 hours.

The only thing that could have redeemed that day is if my ex had accidentally had sex with a dead guy in the bathroom. In fact, pretending that he had got me through the evening.

Yeah, yeah

2009-07-27T23:39:00.002-04:00

Listen. I spend all day saying the exact same thing over and over and over again.

"Thank you. Have a nice day" Monday thru Thursday

"Merci. Bon journee" Friday thru Sunday

I am both bored and boring. I can't wait for school to start so I can quit talking to people and sit mutely in an anonymous class and doodle my brains out. Loan money well spent. Stick figures coming along nicely.

I will post pictures of the apartment just as soon as my cats die and I can remove the tinfoil from the couch. It's a hideous and effective way to keep them from mauling the furniture, and it means there's only about 8 years of this left. Until the next damn cat. The only room that is remotely decorated is the bathroom, because all it takes is a shower curtain and a bathmat. Everything else is done in 'abandoned unpacking effort chic'.

The kitchen still has a pervasive funk about it that we have decided is maybe the stench of bad paint - is that possible? That or our roaches need a bath. We've washed the cupboards down with bleach three frigging times already, and it won't go away. So I'm going to try repainting them, and worst case scenario is that our kitchen will then smell like funk and fresh paint. Yummy! Who's eating out?

We were thinking of going to the Heroes of Woodstock concert until we got some details - $70 tickets, $5 rented lawn chairs, no photography, kids arts and crafts, keep off the grass, oh yeah, and all the good acts are dead - so we're going camping that weekend instead. I'll make a Woodstock playlist and keep my ipod charged. Hopefully after 3 days of outside, no forced kindness to strangers and a lot of Janis Joplin, I'll feel more human and more like communicating with you all again.

Until then, I'm afraid the best I can do is:

Thank you. Have a nice day!

beep beep

2009-07-13T20:07:00.005-04:00

Saturday I was lazy. I decided to drive to the metro and go to work from there. This was supposed to knock 40 minutes off my trip home, since I wouldn't have to wait for the bus. The best laid plans...

It rained almost all day Saturday. I was soaked right through by the time I got to work, and worked the whole 10 hours in wet shoes. It was the most fun ever. Until I got off the metro, and the fun really started.

I walked to my car and realized that the remote starter for my car had got wet and wasn't working. The beautiful thing about my car starter & alarm system is that you have to use the remote starter to open the car, or it sets off the batshit insane alarm for 10 minutes. Putting the key in the door doesn't shut it off, nor does putting the key in the ignition. You have to 'beep beep' the door unlock button, or you will not be moving the car. I know. Best system ever! I've encountered this before when the remote starter crapped out on me and it took 5 weeks to get a new one ordered because it's an old alarm system. At that time, the guy at Visions told me there was a magic 'kill switch' and I swear to god I tried that 15 times on Saturday night, and then, maybe got a bit aggressive and pissed off at standing in the rain with my car alarm blaring, and the kill switch cord got unplugged. I don't know how that happened. At that point, I said fuck it, caught the bus and went home.

Sunday, thinking it may have dried out, Gord tried the key fob starter thingy and it played its little jingle bell song that implies it's working. So I went out before work to try to beep the car open. All lies. The little jingle is a ruse. It didn't work, and I ended up just setting the alarm off for no reason other than to piss off the neighborhood. Bus home, change clothes, bus to metro to work, etc.

Today, I resolved to find a car fixing place that would uninstall that piece of shit alarm system that doesn't shut off and won't let me drive my car, and to make good use of my CAA membership. I found a place 3.4 KM from where the car was parked that would lobotomize my car. I called CAA for a tow. I explained the 'car not moving' issue, and asked for a tow. I took the bus to the car and waited for one hour. A roadside assistance truck with no towing capacity showed up and a very helpful man got out. I tried to explain the situation, but my french and his english were incompatible, and I couldn't seem to mime 'tow' with any success. That, or he decided I was a complete idiot and just hadn't thought to try using the key to open the door. He turned the key in the lock, and the alarm went off. More button pushing, more alarm. He took the battery out and shook it. When the stupid little jingle went off, he smiled triumphantly and tried the buttons again. Tried the key in the lock again, lather rinse repeat.

5 alarms later, he tells me I need a tow.

The fuck, you say. Gosh, if I'd a known that I'd have FUCKING CALLED FOR A TOW.

90 minutes and a short burst of rain later, tow truck shows up, car alarm will be lobotomized tomorrow and I feel perfectly justified in getting that Quarter Pounder meal on the way home. I knew living this close to a MacDonalds would be helpful. And now, if you'll excuse me, I think a very long hot bubble bath is in order.

Cockroach count = none today or yesterday, dead or alive. Silver roachy linings. And if they're just getting better at hiding, I'm fine with that.

The War on Bugs

2009-07-10T14:59:00.005-04:00

The consensus seems to be that the roaches will win this war, which is disheartening. But thanks to PK, I can at least be grateful that these buggers don't fly, and aren't big enough to 'thud'.

Thanks Kel. The posters will help keep up morale in the trenches.

Besides the bug problem, the apartment is...well, who cares. It could be the fucking Plaza, and I'd still only think about the bugs. The tasty but expensive news is that I really don't feel like cooking, lest some stray crumb tempt more damn bugs into the house, so we eat out a lot and there's a fabulous Greek place just down the road.

It's my first day off in 9 days, so I slept in til noon, watched some tv in bed and caught up on all the entertainment news. Really uninspiring day, and I'm relishing it. For anyone thinking of working in the food service industry - just don't. Low pay, crap hours that get doubled on a moments notice, dealing with that most hideous of beasts 'the public' - now I know why Gordon Ramsay is so foul mouthed and short tempered. Thank god for the bookstore job and greek take out, or I would be the most miserable girl in town.

Honorable mentions in the fight to save my sanity go to:

The Fripe-Prix and it's $2 books. I discovered James Herriot last week, and spent many blissful hours on Yorkshire farms instead of in a roach infested Montreal apartment.

The Wire - we're always late catching good tv, but that's ok, because we can download entire seasons and there are no inconvenient week or month long breaks between episodes.

Glee - I can't wait for this show to start. It's the Dorito's of TV, cheesy delicious.

Fat, purry cats snoozing in the sunlight.

Fuck karma

2009-07-09T16:02:00.003-04:00

Wondering where I've been the last 2 weeks? Our new place has roaches. I've been cleaning and killing, cleaning and killing, cleaning and killing, every day after work. The problem is I don't know where they're coming from. We really only see them in the kitchen, but every damn thing in there has been moved, cleaned, bleached, scrubbed, roach sprayed, bleached and cleaned again, Gord caulked all the cracks around the kitchen on the weekend, and there are still one or two of those damn things every night.

Because of the cats, we're using pet friendly roach spray and chinese chalk and I'm about to go to the hardware store for some powder to put in corners and under appliances. I am losing my mind. I can hardly stand to eat in the apartment, even though we've put all our food in tupperware containers. Normally, Gord and I are pretty bug tolerant. Spiders and beetles are scooped up and set gently on the grass outside, moths are left to flutter themselves to death against lightbulbs, and none of these tiny creatures bother me. But there's something repulsive about roaches, and we have become ruthless killers. There's a sick sort of triumph when I spray one and watch it die. But killing them individually isn't fast enough. I need a roach genocide, and I need it now.

Stay classy, Edmonton

2009-06-28T09:45:00.003-04:00

Times like this, I'm so very relieved I no longer call Alberta home. Are the cops in your town a little blue these days? No problem. Gather ye porn stars while ye may, and have them flash their tits at the officers. It's bound to raise their....spirits.

Sheesh.

And what with July 1st being moving day for most of Montreal, we're going to be sans internet until Saturday. This way, we will have no distractions when we should be organizing the new place. I'll see you next week with pictures of the new apartment!

Anger, Canadian style

2009-06-27T13:52:00.006-04:00

There's a kind of tradition in Canada where political protesters arm themselves like clowns and throw pies at the reining jackass mayor, premier or prime minister. And there's a tradition of police officers, politicians and courts getting all super fucking serious about it, and prosecuting these pie throwers to the fullest extent of some ridiculous sentiment that says a politician shouldn't have to suffer the pain and torment of momentary embarrassment.
Seriously? Remember the bullet proof glass surrounding Obama when he was inagurated? You think that was there for pies? A little bullet proof sneeze guard on the salad bar of political figures? Uh huh. And I love that the Alberta stance is that it doesn't matter how much it costs -

Robertson said Alberta Justice takes these types of cases seriously and the cost of prosecution, which is not calculated, is never a factor.

God knows it's not like they could take that pie prosecuting money and spend it hiring nursing staff for hospitals, or throw it at any of the other problems in that backwards province. Nope. Best that money goes to making sure Dave Bronconnier, Ed Stelmach, Ralph Klein and the devils other minions never again know the sweet fluffy kiss of a pie thrown in protest.

Ralph Klein, Inglorious Bastard.
No permanent damage done.

And as for claiming that there's nothing funny about it - YES. Yes, there bloody well is something funny. 1 - seeing Stephen Harper with gobs of Boston Cream Pie falling off his doucheface..why, I think that would be the BEST DAY EVER. And 2 - how delightful! When a Canadian gets really, really mad, steaming mad, I'm not going to take it anymore mad, it's the definition of funny that our weapon of choice is a pie. Shouldn't they know this? Don't all politicians go to clown college?

To dance again

2009-06-25T14:43:00.005-04:00

Busy little bee lately, what with the packing and the cleaning that is too boring to talk about. I had a super fun time in the pit of despair this morning. Good old Wal-Mart and their post apocalyptic looking shelves. I've never been in a Wal-Mart that wasn't a complete mess, and it shouldn't surprise me that it took 3 trips around the store to find a fan. Had to do it, though. It was so hot last night that Gord and I took ice packs to bed. And I can't believe they're selling humidifiers in Montreal. Cause it's not humid enough here? By mid-afternoon, it's like breathing soup. Can't wait for that basement apartment. It's got to be cooler...

Other than that, nothing new. Jobs are good, they pay the bills. Haven't cut myself again, found a really good place for Vietnamese, a kind of meh place for Korean, and the Flames have a new head coach who might actually make them work out their power play issues. Read my first Robertson Davies, Tempest-Tost, quite enjoyed it, although the ending seemed a bit abrupt after just reading David Copperfield. I love that Dickens winds up the story by telling what happened with every single character, nice and tidy like. And no matter how bad things are in the middle, there's always a happy ending. It's not true to life, but trust me, I'm not looking for a dose of reality when I reach for a book. I just want to be entertained, and forget for a minute that I work a crappy job which requires a uniform and a name tag, or that it's a billion degrees outside and everyone stinks of armpit, or that Perez Hilton is a giant whining douche who should just take his lumps and shut the hell up.

Know what else helps you forget your troubles? Tap dancing Voldemort.

If you're impatient, skip to the three minute mark and enjoy.
You can watch the entire musical on youtube, it's long but oh so funny. I love this Draco Malfoy.

Addiction

2009-06-20T00:18:00.002-04:00

I am an addict. That's how you start at one of these meetings, right? State your name and your shame? So I have an addiction. There are a lot of mornings I can barely drag myself out of bed when the alarm goes because I was feeding my addiction all night. When I'm red eyed and out of it at work, I mumble something about "not sleeping very well", but that's a lie. The only reason I'm not sleeping is because of this damn addiction.

So here goes. All those times I don't call you back, or even come to the phone when you call, all those excuses for not going out with friends, all those bloodshot mornings..it's because I'm reading. Half the time it's not even a new book, so I don't have old 'have to know what happens' as an excuse for blowing you off, or showing up late. I'm addicted and would rather be home with a book than pretty much anywhere.

Oh, I slay me. But I was thinking about this today, because one of my coworkers is a smoker, and god love him, I don't begrudge him a smoke break, but why the special consideration for that particular addiction, while my plight goes unnoticed? Do you know how much happier I'd be at work if I could take a 10 minute read break whenever I needed to chill? I might never come home bitching again. Ok, that's a stretch, but there'd be fewer 'quit fantasies', that's for damn skippy.

I am a computer genius.

2009-06-18T03:34:00.002-04:00

What I mean is, I successfully unscrewed one screw, removed my old video card, slid a new one in the slot and replaced the screw. The computer did not blow up, although it did beep to let me know I hadn't pushed the new video card in far enough the first time. Tough job, but I was equal to the task, and I am ridiculously proud of myself. I look at computers and cars as though they are likely to blow up in my face if I do anything out of the ordinary, so this was a big step for me. And I attempted it only because my brother still lives 3,000 miles away instead of down the street where he belongs.

And I got a 2nd job today, didn't even apply for this one, at the university bookstore. It's 10 - 3, Monday to Thursday, and I'll be able to walk to work once we move. The only way life could get better is if those 25 hours a week were enough to pay the bills and save some for school. As it is, I'll most likely be working weekends at the finger cutting job, but it will pay off if we can fly home for Christmas. And if the stars align, maybe I can pick up an old film Hasselblad cheap...people are practically giving them away in favour of digital madness. Suck it Blogger, I'm spelling 'favour' the Canadian way.

Auspicious beginning

2009-06-17T00:54:00.004-04:00

First shift at actual place of work today - the last three weeks, I've been in 'super incompetence training'.

First task = Fail. Cut my finger, bled on sandwich. Just a little, but blood is not an acceptable condiment. Sterilize, and try again.

Mission details = I understood about 30% of what people said to me in french, which is also a fail, even in Delburne.

First level completed with help of super nice coworker.

Tomorrow's mission, should I choose to accept it, is to sleep in and enjoy my day off with Margaret Laurence, The Fire-Dwellers and an iced capp. Top off with So You Think You Can Dance, and it's back into the fray on Thursday with a new sense of where the edge of the blade is, and how not to touch it. As for language, I have decided that this is the Summer of Mime. I'm stuck in a box. And would you like a drink with that? How's your sandwich? Oh, it's windy here.

G'night, and dog bless.

This is not a mime.

The subtext of every rap song ever

2009-06-15T22:57:00.005-04:00

If you liked that one and haven't already seen it, check out Jon Lajoie's Everyday Normal Guy. It's gotten 9 million hits on youtube, though, so chances are I'm the last to know.

PS. Amanda -just in case, this is NSFW :)

Quibbles

2009-06-15T01:11:00.003-04:00

We're watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I actually like this show, but sometimes, it's just a bit much. Gord just explained the criteria to me: every family has a tragic death/debilitating illness, plus someone in the family has to do some selfless job, like fireman, or first grade teacher, noble work, but the pay is shit, and their house has to be a complete shit hole that is literally falling down. And I get that there's poverty and things beyond your control that you really can't take care of. But if your front door blows off in the wind, walk your ass down the road, pick it up and put it back on, fer christs sake. Cause there's no guarantee that Ty Pennington and his just hopped out of bed hair are going to roll down the road and build you a better house. Not having a front door is the equivalent of walking down the street with your zipper down. And if you can't afford the 4 or 6 screws it would take to put the door back on, "borrow" them from a neighbor. Oh, oh, right. You don't want to ask a favor of anyone. Nope. You'll just have your sad, no door house until someone famous shows up and convinces the whole damn town to build you a new house while you go on vacation. And then you'll come home and the contractor & his staff will have set your kids up with scholarships. But don't ask for a little help when you need it. I'm sure Ty will get to everyone eventually.

And the other quibble - there's community spirit busting out all over when the tv camera's are rolling, and everyone wants to help this poor family that everyone loves (and probably knew nothing about until the tv crew rolled in and explained the situation)...but where's the help when there's no tv crew around? Sure, maybe we can't all get Sears to comp us furniture, can't rebuild a house in 5 days, but there's plenty could be done before things get to such dire straits. And we've all walked past houses in our neighborhoods that look every bit as bad as the ones on this damn show. But instead of thinking, "Wow, I bet the people who live there have a sick kid, and can't pay their hospital bills, and the mom or the dad is a hard working first grade teacher who just isn't paid enough, and I wonder if there's anything I can do to help out?" Nope. We walk by and think "Probably crack heads. Ruining the neighborhood. Those sons a bitches deserve a falling down house."

And now I'll get off my high horse, because next time I walk past a condemnable house, I'm not ringing the bell and asking how I can help. Probably crack heads. And if not, well...we have health care and Mike Holmes in Canada.

I have a blog?

2009-06-12T19:23:00.003-04:00

Oh yeah.

I think I've been interacting with so many people in the real world that when I come home, all I'm capable of is hiding in the bathtub with a book. Blessed silence. Only, I've gone and done a very stupid thing. I packed all my books in a fit of 'shit, we're moving in two weeks-edness' and now I have nothing to do but play Sims 3. (or clean the house...but you know what? Gord does that. He's a good little monkey, he is.)

My brother sent me a link to a blog, and what I thought was going to be funny (like the time my Unabomber Sim died of bathroom desperation) turned out to be kind of melancholy and eye opening as to the hardships of Simlife. And real life, I guess. You can check out the story of being homeless in Sims 3 here .

Open Letter to Joss Whedon

2009-06-06T11:10:00.003-04:00

Hey Joss,

I just watched the last 2 episodes of Dollhouse last night, and they were awesome. Really great work you guys are doing on that show, and I'm so glad you got a second season. Bringing Wash in - awesome. Helo - still the coolest guy in the universe. Even notXander is shaping up to be quite interesting. All in all, I've only got one complaint.

The eye gouging. WTF, Joss, WTF? And why are the guys from Firefly always the eye gougers? First Mal turns Xander into a pirate, then Wash starts doing it... Seriously, is the whole crew of the Firefly coming back as evil eye gougers in your shows? Whose next? Zoe? River? Shepard!? Not Kaylee, please not Kaylee.

So here's to a great second season, where everyone comes through with eyes intact. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Sincerely,
Semi-rabid fan

PS. I think the Buffy movie remake is probably going to suck it, don't you?

Pants of lard

2009-06-01T16:51:00.003-04:00

The french word for homebody is 'pantouflard', and I can always remember the pronunciation and meaning because it sounds like 'pants of lard', which is what I've had the last few weeks. It's been rainy and chilly, and I've wasted a lot of time playing the Sims, which has added zero value to my life and yet, I can't stop.

I'm still 'training', so I go to 'work' for 3.5 hours a day, which is just enough to mess up the day and leave me cranky. I had to restrain myself a few times from explaining to my coworkers that I am only bilingually challenged, not mentally challenged. It must be a good job, though, because most of my coworkers have been there for over a year, and the managers have 12 years between them. I think that's unusual for fast food.

Other news....nada. My Sims are doing well, I haven't killed them off yet. I haven't taken a hammer to the Wii Fit yet. I haven't finished my mom's birthday present yet. I haven't started packing yet. I haven't done laundry yet. I'm going to go get started on some of that.

Ps. Dr Phil says don't text and drive.

Je ne suis pas mort.

2009-05-25T15:15:00.002-04:00

Ok, I cheated and had to look up how to say that. 2 weeks in Calgary and all my french disappeared. I had my first training shift today, and it went ok except when some unsuspecting francophone walked in and was greeted by my confused and helpless smile. Other than that, it went well. Nothing too hard, don't cut yourself, wash your hands, smile, smile, smile. Ah, the food industry.

Trip home was good, too. We were kept busy just trying to catch up with people and spend a little time with everyone. I have pictures, and I've started scanning - remember I still haven't gone digital yet - and I'll post them on Flickr eventually. It was strange, and we both kind of felt like we'd never left. After 3 hours of driving in the black hole that is Westhills, I had all my old road rage back. Highway 2 never changes much, but I'm pleased to tell you they've taken down the Russian Brides billboard, so that's progress. Other, less pleasant progress - we were approached by a very jittery woman in the London Drugs parking lot by our old house, she was trying to sell her cell phone - presumably so she could buy some more crack. That's right. The epidemic has spread, it's no longer contained in the downtown area. Sad days, Calgary.

We were unable to get our favorite sushi, so it will be another year before we get any rainbow rolls. Damn you, Renzo. Damn you and your vacation. No Tubby Dogs either, so I'm seriously considering getting some squeeze cheese and making my own A-Bomb. Successfully avoided my old office, spent a great 3 hours at my old Indigo store, and played a lot of tile rummy. It was sunny when we landed, rained off and on the whole 2 weeks, and snowed our last day. Hence the tired old saying "if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes." It's trite and it's true.

We also played a lot of Wii Fit on our visit and got addicted. So when we got home, we picked on up. Shut up, we're both employed now. I've never spent so much time flipping off the tv. I hate that little wii board. When I made a Mii at my brothers house, my Wii fit age was 43. Holy shit. I am happy to say that I passed all 5 balance rounds in the body test on our machine, so my Wii age is now one year younger than my actual age. So death by tripping is not imminent, and one of these days, I will successfully avoid all the cleats and panda heads.

Gord and I got home last Monday and both had the week off - we just started working today. I had a piddly little 4 hour training shift, and Gord is somewhere in our neighborhood painting a house, I think. Maybe he's stuck up a ladder, scrapping old paint. We had big plans for last week, we were going to go enjoy the sunshine and being back in Montreal, but really all we did was sleep. And sleep. And catch up on Breaking Bad. I reread the old Dragonlance series, which is kind of awful, kind of awesome. I even watched the straight to DVD movie version, and it was also awful/awesome = awfome. On Kelly's recommendation, I'm reading the Death Gate cycle, which he claims is better than Dragonlance. Maybe it's just the fond memories I have of Dragonlance from when I was 12 and read them for the first time, and got completely hooked on fantasy and read very little else for the next 10 years....but one book down, and the Death Gate cycle isn't really growing on me. I have 6 more books to go, though, so I'm sure some literary barnacles will form somewhere.

And that's it. I'm sure more interesting stuff happened in there somewhere, but I need a nap.

Vacation mode

2009-05-03T01:08:00.003-04:00

We've been doing liver exercises this week, in the form of beer, vodka and the last of the birthday rum in preparation for our visit home. Not that everyone in Calgary drinks all the time or anything. Just being prepared.

We have achieved bachelor fridge, in that there's only a single lonely onion and a bunch of condiments in there. And enough milk for morning coffees - no one can expect us to make it to the airport at 7AM coffee free.

I've set the Etsy & Artfire shops to vacation mode, and the cats to sleep mode.

looking forward to airline peanuts and in-flight movies starring Kevin Bacon, or maybe Michael Keaton....OOoooh i hope it's Multiplicity.

And with that, it'll most likely be 2 weeks before you hear from me again, because where we're going - we don't need blogs.

First of May

2009-05-01T00:29:00.002-04:00

I don't know if it's warm enough where you are, but you can always keep your socks on.

Finally, the whining comes to an end

2009-04-30T13:35:00.001-04:00

I have a job!!

And since it's bad juju to blog about work, that's about all I can say about that. It's not painting, so no climbing a 3 story ladder and scrapping old paint off for me. Can't say I'm super bummed about that, but it may have been nice to spend the summer outside for once. Hence the archaeology degree, yes? Once I get that, I have a feeling I'll be working outside all I want.

And now, lunch. Gord is making bacon superfries, and after that, we're going to have a little cardiac arrest. Yum!

Shutterbug

2009-04-29T18:28:00.007-04:00

I got it! Muahahaha. I have been secretly coveting a new camera for a while - the Colorsplash, and I finally broke down and bought it on Monday. We went to Photo Service down in Old Montreal on Monday to see if they had any in stock, but they didn't. They offered to order it in for me, but it would have taken about 10 days, and we're leaving for Calgary on Sunday, and I really wanted it for the visit home.

So I searched the internet to see if there were any in stock at any camera shop in Montreal - no luck. None in Calgary or Ottawa - I would have driven 2 hours if it were available. But I did find it on Adorama for $60 + shipping, which brought it to $95, but for immediate gratification, I didn't mind. And it came this afternoon, just before we were leaving to go to the Botanical Gardens. You know how you have all those annoying little things happen just before you leave? You can't find your keys, or the phone rings or whatever, and you hate that it's holding you up? If I hadn't stopped to open my mail and respond right away, I would have missed my camera delivery. Serendipitous.

Anyhoo...I love this little camera. It's incredibly low tech, and I know that everyone but me has gone digital, but it looks like it will be a lot of fun. It's got a colored flash wheel with 4 slots, and it comes with 12 different colored flash thingies to tint your photos. As for going digital, that's why I bought the film scanner. The best of both worlds right here, Miley. I'm excited about taking photos again, which is good, because DAMN. My Etsy shop needs some new goods.

The 10 Rules of Lomography
1. Take your camera everywhere you go.
2. Use it anytime - day and night.
3. Lomography is not an interference in your life, but part of it.
4. Try the shot from the hip.
5. Approach the objects of your lomographic desire as close as possible.
6. Don't think.
7. Be fast.
8. You don't have to know beforehand what you captured on film.
9. Afterwards either.
10. Don't worry about any rules.

Here's a Flickr slideshow of Colorsplash photos, enjoy!

My Hometown

2009-04-26T00:09:00.007-04:00

In 7 short days, I will be on a plane headed home, and it's got me reminiscing about all the people & places I've missed over the last year. What to do first, where to go...

Like, do I want to stop by my old office and see which illiterate alcoholics are still there? It really galled, taking orders from people who didn't know their there's from their they'res. Two, too, to irritating. Your illiterate, yes you're.

Do I want to check out my old C-train stop, which was the site of a bloody rape & murder the fall before I left? Do I want to go crack-spotting or perhaps play another round of Crazy Hobo Bingo? If I'm downtown, I can do both! It's awesome in my hometown.

Like this one time, I was on the bus, innocently reading Winnie the Pooh while Gord watched a crack deal go down. Like the time we were going to paint pottery, and the well dressed man pulled out his crack pipe, and gave us the stink eye. Crackheads - they're not always homeless! Yet.

Or that beautiful summer day, we went downtown in the evening for a stroll and an ice cream, and shared our bench with a guy who smoked his crack and had a little argument with a homeless woman. (Under the I - crackhead. Under the G - angry homeless woman.) Good times. Awkward times.

There's the sweet hungry homeless guy that Gord gave $5 to once, who thanked him profusely and said
"You watch, man. I'm gonna take this money and go right across the street and buy a slice of pizza. I'm so hungry, man, you saved my life, thank you, thank you...I'm gonna get a pizza right now."
So Gord watched, and the hungry man whose life he just saved did walk across the street, stop beside the door of the pizza parlor...and walked past it, to meet the crack dealer in the alley behind it. Isn't it great when you can really help someone?

There are places that have a special meaning, too. Like my little brother's first apartment in the city. It was on good old 16th Ave, home of Peters Drive-In and the meth lab next door that could have blown up at any time and killed him. And then I would have had to hunt those bastards down, wreak bloody vengence on them and wear their bleached skulls around my neck as a warning. I'm just glad Kelly moved out of that place, because I don't have the physique to pull off a necklace of skulls. I think you have to be 6 feet tall, thin and exotic looking - Iman could pull it off. But not a chubby quiet girl with glasses, who looks like a slightly stunned librarian. So, thanks, operators of the meth lab next door, for getting busted and shut down before you blew up my brother. Your card is in the mail.

And there's our old apartment, where I slept through my first walk by shooting. I remember it well. I was napping on the couch one Monday afternoon in September and I heard 4 shots. Woke me up. And I thought to myself, "That can't be gunshots, this is Calgary, for Christs sake". I thought it must have been...some other loud bang, four times in succession. But then the neighbors were yelling about gunshots, and so I thought, "OK, gunshots. But certainly not that close..." Turns out it was the apartment across the courtyard. Someone had walked up the path, fired 4 shots at the third floor balcony and run away. Since it was right across from us, we got to watch the police check out 'the scene' all night, and they even came over to ask if we'd seen anything. It was just like Law & Order, which always sucks since Briscoe left.

So when people wonder why we left Calgary, what do we say? It's not that Montreal is perfect, but the homeless are bilingual which gives it a certain 'je ne sais quoi', the family next door has an elderly weiner dog with a mean underbite instead of a meth lab, and the only drug use I've encountered on the street has been pot. I'll take a pothead over a crackhead any day.

But, you know. It's gonna be awesome to see friends and family. We're looking forward to it, really we are.

Recap,

2009-04-23T19:21:00.006-04:00

Sorry for the radio silence. The last few days have been stressing me out. I'm surprised I still have hair. I wrote 2 finals this week. Mythology was relatively easy. French was a quagmire of confusion and self-doubt, as always. I kind of hate that language. But it's over, and I don't have to worry about passe compose, future proche, imparfait, etc etc etc, until septembre. Je suis libre!

The Flames won the last 2 games, which means the series is tied, and I'm back on the "I heart hockey" bus. I just hope Iggy's still mad when Saturday rolls around. It would be super awesome if the Flames are still in the playoffs when we're back in Calgary. There's no high like being in town when the Flames are winning. I think even the gangs and the crack whores take a break when the playoffs are on.

I've just realized that there is about a 2 week response time to job applications, and I have 2 job interviews tomorrow for jobs I'd forgotten I applied for. Cross your fingers for me. Once I get employment, I'll stop complaining about it, and be able to blog something interesting for a change.

And...have you seen the previews for the 6th Harry Potter? It looks pretty intense, I got goosebumps. So I'm rereading the whole series for the first time since I finished book 7, and we've been watching the movies as well. I don't know how people can be satisfied just watching the movies, because they have to leave out so very much. They do their best with the movies, but I'll take the slow exposition and intricacy of the books over the watered down, rocket-through-everything pace of the movies any day. Although the movies are a nice accompaniment, and I can't picture Mad-Eye any other way now. I keep remembering who dies in the upcoming books and it's making me tear up at odd places when I read the books.

And now, it's off for groceries. The playoffs have given us stress munchies and we've eaten everything in the house, even that stale box of Corn Flakes.

Pucks in the heart

2009-04-20T15:19:00.004-04:00

Oh office work. How did I miss thee? Let me count the ways.

...

....

Yep. Nothing like volunteering to hold down office chairs for 3 hours a week. Somebody's got to do it. Perhaps gravity doesn't work properly above the 5th floor. If nothing else, it makes studying seem so much more interesting by comparison.

First final tomorrow, so I'm spending this evening rereading all the myths we discussed in class and watching hockey. There are few things as emotionally damaging as having a favorite sports team. Watching your beloved child devolve into a homeless crack addict might be the closest thing I can think of. Did I say I enjoyed playoff season? I take it back. Wake me when it's over.

Lucky Gord gets to miss the 2nd half of the game, he'll be on the air at 11PM EST.

Damn

2009-04-16T23:26:00.003-04:00

Chicago won the first game in overtime. Which is easy enough to do when you have someone sitting on our goalie. Havlat's on my list now. I really hate sudden death overtimes. They bring nothing but bad.

On the good news front - we got the apartment we applied for yesterday! We just have to go down tomorrow to sign the lease. In the future, when the wrong team scores in overtime, the sweet, greasy consolation of a quarter pounder will only be 2 blocks away. So that's something.

And if you can't get paid to work, give it away! I got a call back about volunteering downtown at a non-profit foundation, and am going in on Monday for a few hours.

So besides the fact that I have to go arrange a hit on Havlat, things are looking up.

Your city's on fire

2009-04-15T23:03:00.003-04:00

We applied for an apartment today, and I really hope we get approved, and not just because it's only 2 blocks from the 24 hour MacDonalds. It's a bit cheaper than our current place, has laundry, better layout, 2 closed bedrooms, counters in the kitchen, and the bathroom is easily twice the size of our current shoebox. That, and it's close enough to Loyola that we can take the free shuttle to the downtown campus instead of buying metro passes every month. Fingers crossed and all that. The very word 'credit' gives me ulcers, and I'm trying not to think about it. Thank god it's playoff time :)

I'm starting to get playoff fever again, which is a debilitating but FANTASTIC disease. For as long as your team (GO FLAMES GO!) is still in it, you don't care about anything else. I love it, and I'm so looking forward to game 3, when those poor young boys from Chicago step into the Saddledome for the first time in the playoffs. Cause Calgary isn't just a hockey city. The second playoffs start, the entire populace is mentally right back in game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals of '04, rabid, manic, obsessed, desperate. We've had 4 years of foreplay with no O, and we're losing our minds. The fact that Gord and I are in Montreal instead of Calgary is a minor detail, of no consequence. You don't switch teams just because you moved. Where's your loyalty?

And another thing to note - real fans have their own jerseys. The Saddledome is the sea of red because we all think we're on the team, not because some marketing dick passed out free t-shirts in the team colors at the door.

Another stupid marketing ploy - waving the white flag. You do know that's the sign of surrender, right? And anyway, it looks kind of sissy. Hockey fans scream, get drunk, high five, posture and punch things. Grandmothers wave hankies. Get your game face on, people.

Babysitting, no spanking.

2009-04-14T19:47:00.004-04:00

Apartment hunt - 4 appointments tomorrow.

Job - 0.5! We are half employed. Gord got a call back from one of the student painting companies, and he'll be starting when we get back from our trip home. That takes a little pressure off.

And the weird job situation keeps on rolling for me. I applied to a babysitting company, and they want me to send in photos before they will set up a phone interview. You know what would be less creepy, guy? If you did in person interviews and didn't ask for photos. You'd see what you wanted to see, and I wouldn't think you've got something other than babysitting on your mind. But thanks for the heads up on the creep-o-meter, and don't be surprised when I don't call you back. I repeat, I am not yet that desperate.

Best news - ice cream sale at Loblaws, 2 for $6. We got mint chocolate chip and creamsicle.

Check

2009-04-13T21:38:00.004-04:00

Cat sitter - Check

New apartment - not yet. Didn't want to bother anyone over Easter weekend. Starting again tomorrow.

Job - Just....no. No, no, no, no, no.

I went on a futile mass interview for one of those student painter jobs, and Holy Hell, people. It's PAINTING. Why do you need to know what my greatest achievement to date is? Unless my answer is "Painting every day and distributing flyers all night", how is anything I might say relevant to whether or not I get the job? I can paint. I'm willing to work. That's pretty much it, isn't it?

The nanny 'placement agency' sounded like a scam, in that they wanted me to pay $15 to be 'registered'. Fuck that, sorry for swearing, but FUCK THAT. They would have registered a mangy, rabid dog on that nanny list if he'd had $15 clenched in his teeth.

And my old friend Primerica. They call every couple of months, because I have a resume on Monster, and they leave really jazzed emails about exciting opportunities, but when I google Primerica, all I get are warnings. If I won't pay $15 to get my name on a list, why the hell would I pay $220 to be trained in the fine art of robbing ones friends and family of their savings?

Other exciting 'no french required' job opportunities - I could try to get work as a porn emailer. Yep. At home data entry jobs, ad says 'must be comfortable with adult content'. I am not yet that desperate. Not yet. Plus, can you imagine the spiraling depression if I got turned down by the porn email industry? I can too spell penis 15 different ways, just give me a chance!

Happy Easter

2009-04-11T23:48:00.005-04:00

We're not doing anything Easter-y, no church, no egg hunt, but I just watched the Ten Commandments on Google. It was that or Ben-Hur, and I'm not sure what leprosy and chariots have to do with Easter, so Moses won. Either way, I'm chock full o' Heston, and would have preferred Cadbury's Cream Eggs. I have to believe that the '56 Heston version is superior in every way to the 2007 remake with Christian "Grab-ass" Slater as Moses. What the hell were they thinking?

We roasted a chicken for dinner and got the skin super crispy and delicious, thanks butter! And last night we tried Bofingers, not knowing it was full rack Friday, or exactly how much meat a full rack was...we're both going to die of heart attacks, I think. And spend our afterlife plagued by all the animals we ate. Mournful cows with sad eyes will follow us, and vengeful chickens will peck at our ankles for eternity. Perhaps I should rethink this 'not going to church' thing, but I have no respect for people who only go to hedge their bets. Believe, don't believe, it's all good, but fakers be damned. I'll take my chances with the army of chickens.

Hell no

2009-04-08T00:42:00.003-04:00

It was cold and snowy today, and when I got home from class, all I wanted was a hot hot bath. Which I had, and I was happily rereading A Complicated Kindness when I noticed a spider dangling about 3 inches above my knee.

I froze. I watched the spider climb all the way back up his thread to the shower head before I could breathe again. But then the bastard started coming down again. I'm not about to play bathtub chicken with a spider. So I got out and made Gord come get the intruder. I'm not afraid of spiders under normal circumstances, but the idea of one joining me in the tub, crawling on me while I'm naked, that's just too much.

All that jazz

2009-04-06T23:25:00.005-04:00

Gord is on the radio right this minute, guest hosting The Vault on CJLO. You can listen online, and in 2 weeks, he'll have his own show every Monday from 11 - midnight. I'm not sure what he's going to call his show, he was joking (?) about calling it The G-Spot...

And since he has to play a certain amount of Can-con he can use that time to pimp his friends from Calgary. Hello Zoe! And Loni! And Gavin, if we ever hear from you again...And his sisters boyfriends band from Edmonton, whose name/music I don't know, but I'm sure they're great. Success is imminent now you're being played on college radio. :) It's all about who you know.

He's playing the fabulous Miss Zoe right now.
Isn't she beautiful?

The lead in show is Sound on Sight, with our good friend Simon (Ok, we worked with him for 3 weeks at the university bookstore, and have him on facebook, and thus our contact has ended, but still....these days, that's a friend.) Where was I? Oh yeah. He's got a 2 hour movie review show with 2 other guys on Monday nights, 9 - 11. And a website, soundonsight.org. They watch the crap so you don't have to. It's a recession, who has money to waste on sub par movies?

Tonight they were talking about some really terrible horror movies, but the ones that are soooo bad you kind of want to watch them...Like, who DOESN'T want to watch a movie that discusses ghost ejaculate, and involves an elaborate entrapment set up using a fake house and liquid nitrogen? I know what I'm doing Friday night.

Why

2009-04-05T23:21:00.002-04:00

are my Google ads for Cat Constipation and psychiatric counseling?

Do I really sound like a mentally disturbed feline with a lack of fiber in her diet?

Why is all my email spam for MLB, Viagra and Russian brides?

Am I a lonely middle aged white guy?

If I post this, what new mockery will the internet devise for me next?

Trying to find Woodstock

2009-04-05T22:34:00.005-04:00

Break out the celebratory alcohol, people. There are no tests for 3 weeks. I'm currently studying Judd Apatow's early work, as I'm sure the early adolescence of Dr Sweets will be relevant on one of my exams. Or maybe it's just that the soundtrack on Freaks and Geeks is kick ass, and I'm burnt out from conjugating all those french verbs. My English is really suffering. Gord said something to me today, and I replied "I are?" I'm turning into a lolcat.

It rained all day yesterday, and all we did was laundry. If there's one good thing about having to trek to the laundromat every 2 weeks, it's that you can get every piece of dirty laundry done in 2 hours, using 3 double load washers and 6 dryers. We still always manage to end up with unpaired socks, but at least we've got clean sheets and undies for another 14 days.

We're in the midst of finding jobs, a new apartment and a cat sitter for the 2 weeks that we're going home to Calgary, and frankly it is exhausting. I hate phoning strangers and having to be manically cheerful. Thank god for Gord, because he's been picking up all my stranger phoning slack. While I'm not a lesbian, and I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than get married again, it would be nice to have someone here to do all those crappy jobs. The laundry, the phone calls and the paperwork, maybe some vaccuming...

What Gord and I need is a good little 1950's wife. She'd make us drinks before dinner, and iron our socks, and listen to all our problems. But I guess after 10 years or so, she'd hit the 60's, stop shaving and rant all the time about us being oppressive fascists. She'd be right, and when she packed all her newly tie-dyed shirts into a duffel bag, I'd be right there with her, trying to find Woodstock.

Do over

2009-04-04T22:18:00.003-04:00

I'm going to redo the book giveaway, as I haven't heard from Cassandra. It's a really fun book and a great escape from reality, should you be suffering from recession blues, or 'it's rained all week' blues, or 'why the heck am I not making any Etsy sales' blues - the book won't stop the rain, fix the recession or jump start your business, but it will give you a few hours of enjoyment that will make it easier to handle all that crap. It's called "Eating the Cheshire Cat" but there is no eating of cats in the book, in case you're squeamish about that. Here's the publisher's note:

Eating the Cheshire Cat lures us into a world of perfectly planned parties and steep social ladders, where traditional rites of passage take unpredictable and horrifying turns as three girls and their overbearing mothers collide. In Tuscaloosa, Alabama, beauty is as beauty does, with axes and knives and killer smiles.
Sarina Summers and her mother will stop at nothing to have it all. Nicole Hicks harbors a fierce obsession with Sarina, which repeatedly undermines Mrs. Hicks''s ambitious goals. Bitty Jack Carlson, a nice girl from the wrong side of the tracks, is caught in the crossfire but struggles to succeed outside the confines of this outrageous yet eerily familiar Southern community. It''s survival of the fittest. Which girl will come out on top?
Covering everything from summer camp to the University of Alabama''s Homecoming game, this fast-paced and unforgettable novel will keep readers guessing until the bitter end.

So, again, leave a comment and a way to contact you, and I will pick a winner on Thursday. And whoever wins gets to give it away again and keep it moving. Need an extra incentive to enter? Tell me what your favorite chocolate bar is and I'll try to include it. Just don't pick Junior Mints, because I couldn't find them anywhere in Montreal when I wanted to make brownies. We used 4 Peps, and they turned out fine, but sometimes you just want a Junior Mint.

Re: Dumb Things

2009-04-02T00:39:00.003-04:00

Most of the time, stupidity makes you want to strike out in strange and violent ways. Like when I used to imagine slapping customers across the face with a stapler when I worked at that place that time...those places, those times. Or just whenever I encountered stupidity and staplers in the same room. But sometimes, you get the Golden Ticket of Stupidity. So in response to Pickles On Pizza's most recent post, here's my all time favorite run in with stupidity.

About 2 years ago, Gord and I had a 2 for 1 movie pass. We went to the Westhills cinema near our old apartment, and handed the girl at the ticket counter our 2 for 1 pass, and we had our debit card out and ready to pay. She hands us two tickets and looks at us like we're stupid. We say...

"Shouldn't we have to pay something?"

She studies the pass for a moment with a furrowed brow. I imagine her brain has been feasting on pop music, text messages and entertainment news for so long that this task does indeed require 2 full minutes.

"Nope," she says, "Cause it says 2 for 1, so you're good."

Um.

Yes. Yes, it does. We bought extra snacks with the money we didn't pay to watch the movie.

Rainy Sunday Blues

2009-03-30T13:47:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was supposed to be the day we went out, armed with camera's and fresh eyes, to wander the cemeteries of Montreal and get some incredible shots for my Etsy shop. Yes, cemeteries here have websites. I find it a bit odd, but they are beautiful.

Instead, yesterday was the day it pissed down rain all day. ALL DAY except those first 30 minutes after I woke up and thought to myself, "Yay, it's not raining! A bit overcast, but as long as it doesn't rain...". Because as cool as the photos of 'crying statues' in a graveyard would be, I do not want to wreck my camera with moisture damage and it really was a downpour for the afternoon.

So we went to Walmart instead, for shoelaces and catnip. Whoo-ee.

I finally bought Patti Scialfa's 23rd Street Lullaby from iTunes the other day. They played "Stumbling to Bethlehem" on the first season finale of Joan of Arcadia, and even though the whole scene is about her being completely alone and abandoned by God, who chooses the time when she really needs some comfort to become silent, the song is really comforting, and it reminds me of what a great show that was, and how much I miss seeing Amber Tamblyn on tv every week. She's got a new show, with Adam 'What's with that mustache' Goldberg, The Unusuals, which premiers on April 8th, and I'm looking forward to it being watchable. I hope. I know I've enjoyed every other show or movie Amber has been in, except for General Hospital, because I've thankfully never gotten involved in soap operas. That's a lifelong commitment, and I'm more of a 'doomed to untimely cancellation' girl. Not by choice, but because all the best shows are axed by idiot executives with no heart.

And that reminds me, don't watch the Dead Like Me movie. We rented it - spent actual money - a couple weeks ago, and it is awful. It was like fan fic, ie, written by someone who was familiar with the characters but did not have the talent to bring them to life. It wasn't just that they couldn't shoot in the same locations, or get all the actors back, that I can forgive. But they didn't acknowledge the rules set up in the original tv show about contacting your family, the dialogue was pathetic, no snap or humor at all, and the plot itself was clumsy and nonsensical. It needed about 5 rewrites to get it to the same level as the tv show.

But, to bring this all back around in a neat little circle, they did shoot some of the scenes at the Mont Royal Cemetary. Coincidence? Uh, yeah. I don't think I need to worry about grim reapers and gravelings.

Earth Hour

2009-03-28T22:45:00.005-04:00

This hour brought to you by the Flames game, which considerately waited til 10PM to start.

ass blogging

2009-03-28T00:09:00.005-04:00

There are some funny funny mash ups in there. Suck happens. Believe cats, Frederic! Boyfriends excel much head. Day made summer night. Buddy acceptable-able - he's the budget robot buddy. Battle Joss awesomeness.

Bitch, please!

Make your own word cloud @ Wordle

The Friday Night Double Post

2009-03-27T22:13:00.007-04:00

That episode of Dollhouse was exhilarating. THANK YOU, Joss Whedon. You took a crappy Friday night and made it shiny.

I don't know if anyone else is watching this show, but for the first few episodes, it dragged and stumbled it's way into my living room, but not my heart. Every time "Ballard" (Air quotes necessary, because we all know that's Helo) came on screen, I would think "Be nice to Helo! You don't know the trouble he's seen." Whenever notXander came on screen, all I could think was "Nice try buddy, but you're notXander."

notXander

But this episode, following in the footsteps of awesomeness that was Band Candy, actually made me accept notXander as a comic actor in his own right, not just a sweater vest dweeb in Nick Brendan's shadow. The scenes between him and the woman in charge....I will learn your names, now that you've made me laugh....were excellent. Getting inadvertently drugged and opening the drawer of inappropriate carbs - that's Joss. So much better than 'man reaction'. Mass stoning, quotable fun times and flashbacks to dying boyfriends - tv doesn't get any better. Please, FOX, please just leave Joss alone to work his hilarious, mind bending magic.

Fear and Loathing in Montreal

2009-03-27T20:12:00.005-04:00

“Learn to limit yourself; to content yourself with some definite work; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not; and to believe in your own individuality.” - Henri Frederic Amiel

It's that combination of daring and resignation that is kicking my ass lately. I think I'm resigning who I am and daring myself to be all that I am not.

I'm considering having my brain removed entirely and replaced with Henri Frederic Amiel quotes. Why? Because most of his quotes make me feel better about the choices I've made. And because I think it would be a blessed relief to only have a rolodex of quotes in my head, instead of all the monkeying contadictions riding the elephantine worries.

Let me introduce my elephants. The fattest one, who bosses everyone else around, his name is "Paying the Bills". Next to him is the matriarch "Self Doubt" and that bitch is always pregnant, popping out little "What Are You Doing With Your Life", "Get Off Your Ass, Already" and the ever succinct "You Suck, Sucka". These beasts have been stampeding through my head lately, uprooting every good thought and shitting it out for the monkeys of contradiction to throw around.

The contradictions are thus: I promised myself last year when I bolted from Calgary that there would be NO MORE abandoning of dreams and taking jobs to pay the bills. There's something demeaning in doing work you believe is meaningless - and I'll be damned if there's anything more meaningless than a 10 page excel spreadsheet that needs 5 signatures to be legit, only to be redone 15 times because an illiterate salesman can't decide if he likes commas, periods or semi colons on his contracts....Man. You'd think the bitterness would have faded by now.

I promised myself I would do better. BUT. But, but, but. I have the fear. Not that I can't do anything worthwhile, but that I won't be able to find a summer job that doesn't suck my soul out of my ass. It's hard to bounce back from 'soul-sucked-out-your-ass-itis'. So what I really want is to just find a simple, repetitive job. Any work that doesn't require me to iron clothes before I go. No meetings. I have recurring nightmares about meetings. If there'd been a meeting about the wheel, we'd all still be walking everywhere.

I resolve to do this every day, and by noon, I am struck down, feeling useless and desperate enough to take anything. This is my track record, too. I always just take a job for the sake of paying the bills, and stick with it because the sickening, deadening comfort of having those damn bills paid numbs the fear. But it numbs the mind, too, and I have to resolve again every day that the fear is acceptable, that I can and will, think of some way to keep my mind, body and soul intact. Even if that means I have to take one of those numbing jobs and just clench the whole time.

ps. Mom, this is not a plea for money. It's just a little rant prior to me finding a summer job. It's gonna be ok. Really.

I have a job

2009-03-25T21:28:00.004-04:00

interview. Ha. At a nanny placement agency. Do I want to be a nanny all summer? Um....maybe? Do I want to be homeless? Nope. Nanny me up.

Or whatever. I don't even care anymore. I just want a frakkin paycheck. I checked, and there are no summer classes that would actually be useful to take, except a french course that I can't take because it starts May 4th, and I'm headed back to Calgary for 2 weeks in May. At least a small child won't expect me to attend meetings or discuss sales percentages or fuss with an excel spreadsheet until it feels like my brain is going to dribble out my ears. Yeah, anything sans cubicle is a godsend, jobwise. Never again, pale grey walls! Never again.

And on that note, I have a hell of a week coming up and it is unlikely that I'll be blogging much. We have our second oral exam in French next Wednesday, not as dirty or as fun as it sounds. And then Friday, we have a written test. Then we have 3 solid weeks of study induced ulcers before the final exam. The more I study french, the more I loose my grasp on english. And next semester, I'm actually thinking of taking French, Greek and Latin? Please. Three months of that and I'll be a drooling lunatic, unable to speak anything but gibberish. Parents will point me out to their children and say

"You see what happens when you take drugs?"

And I'll shout back

"SKdhjerk!! NErppep krj rjeiis beoru, eriel heupet..."

Which, to my addlepated mind will mean "No, this is what happens when you try to learn new languages when you are clearly TOO OLD to abosrb new information!"

Maybe I can nanny some nice french children and they will teach me to speak over the summer.

PS. Cassandra, if you're reading - you can contact me at hourstimes@gmail.com :) I completely forgot that you didn't know how to contact me, I'm an idiot. I will send the book out as soon as I get your address!

Queasy cats and fairy tales

2009-03-24T19:43:00.004-04:00

We built a scratching post for the cats last night, and while they have yet to scratch it instead of the curtains, they are willing to sit on top of it and look out the window. We've tied the curtains up out of reach and covered the back of the couch with tinfoil on the advice of the internet. Since they really have nowhere else to scratch, they will eventually come around and use the damn post for more than sitting on. I think. Say it with me now, "Cats suck. Dogs are better."

And now the grey one is sleeping on top of the radiator and looking adorable, so I feel almost bad for saying that. But it's true. Cats are the most selfish creatures on earth, next to teenagers.

Gord's sick with something, and I've been queasy all day, so I think I'm going to hunker down with some gingerale and read the Looking Glass Wars all night. I can't help it if kids books are so much more entertaining than adult books. Less sex, more heart, better characters. Plus, I love the reimagined fairy tale genre, and Alice in Wonderland as a political battle sounds satisfying. And if it's not, I only paid one cent for it. I love Thriftbooks, even if it does take 3 - 4 weeks to get anything out here.

Who's cuter, bears or lions?

2009-03-23T00:33:00.006-04:00

The winner of the book giveaway is.....Cassandra, from The Plasticity of Happiness!
She has such an inspiring blog, it always makes me want to get working on something new. Go check it out, you'll enjoy it. I hope Cassandra enjoys the book, and doesn't mind the fact that she won by default :) I should have done more to promote the giveaway, but I always feel so pushy and annoying when I do any of that sort of thing. This is why I have 17 followers and no sales this month. I really need to get over myself and promote more aggressively. Blech. Can't I just make pretty things, sit back and watch the money roll in? Does anyone want to make $0 and be my agent? I'll pay you 5% of sales. That's a serious offer. Email me.

Gord and I are watching Jill Scott in the BBC's The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency. I haven't read any of the books, but the show is quite good. It makes me want to go to Africa and drink tea with Jill Scott.

Short post today because I got my new glasses this week and I'm still adjusting to them. My prescription didn't change much, but still - everything is in hyperfocus and I'm not used to it yet. I keep getting distracted by the sides, they're so new and shiny and screaming "Look at me!", so I look like a shifty eyed librarian. I'd post a pic, but there are none of me and my new glasses. I don't photograph willingly, and Gord is too kind to knock me unconcious and take pictures.

Dessert post

2009-03-17T23:12:00.005-04:00

It's the last ever episode of BSG on Friday night, and we've decided to send it off with pizza and brownies. I don't know how to celebrate or mourn things without food. If I have a bad day, I go for a Caramel Macciato. A really bad day requires a bubble bath, a new book and a giant bar of mint chocolate. The demise of the best show on tv requires an unholy amount of carbs, with cheese on top. Followed by chocolate. And then possibly popcorn.

If you have a really good recipe for brownies, please share! I've been making the same old Texas Brownie recipe for years, but it's more cake-y than we're looking for. I want those dense, gooey brownies with a crispy top. Calories, schmalories.

I like making caramel popcorn, and I'll share the recipe with you, but I've done it so often I'm not sure I remember the measurements. It goes something like this:

Saucepan on stove, medium heat.
Add butter (1/2 cup)
add sugar - white, brown, whatever you've got - (1/3 to 1/2 cup, depending on how sweet you want it)
add corn syrup....I add 2 big squeezes, probably 1/2 cup
Splash of vanilla
dash of salt

stir, bring to boil, dump on popcorn and stir. How much popcorn? I usually make 1 cup of kernels, I think that pops into 6 or 7 cups, but who knows? You can get crazy and add 1/4 cup of cocoa and 1 tbsp of coffee to the mix and make mocha-caramel popcorn. And of course you can add nuts, m&m's, reese's pieces, etc, etc, etc. You'd be surprised how much of this one person can eat, especially if there's no one watching.

I think we get our french tests back tomorrow, in which case, I will probably be looking for a new book and some chocolate on the way home...

According to facebook..

2009-03-16T20:07:00.004-04:00

We're apartment hunting in the wrong country. Damn.

You belong in Ireland. You love the countryside and you want to spend your life being surrounded by green. You love small towns where you can relax in the pub and have a chat, and several pints! Sunny destinations aren't important for you, you'd rather be in this beautiful country, where the people are chatty and down to earth and where culture surround you everywhere you go.

I wouldn't mind living in Ireland someday, but seriously, we're just finding our feet after last summer's big honking move, and I don't want to take the cats across the Atlantic.

Hunting Hot Dogs

2009-03-15T22:18:00.004-04:00

We're apartment hunting again, but with a big difference this time.

1 - people call me back
2 - we can go see the damn place

Yeah, that's right. We signed a lease and moved across the country last summer without ever seeing our apartment. Big no-no. We had very few....make that zero...other options. (Of the 2 people who actually got back to me last year, one wanted us to sign over our first born child, donate a kidney each and pay 3 months up front. We like our kidneys.) We were moving, getting the hell out of Calgary no matter what. We were coming to Montreal no matter what. We didn't have jobs, or plans, or anything but the lure of low rent and a different kind of life. It worked. And our little apartment had it's charms at first.

"Oh, look! Hardwood floors!"
"Look at the teeny tiny bathroom! How cute!"
"Radiators? Where the hell is the thermostat?"

But now that we're here and we've got options, we're ready to move to a place that has laundry in the building, maybe doesn't have a hole in the living room wall, maybe has more than one drawer in the kitchen, maybe has a bedroom door that shuts all the way, maybe won't blow a fuse when you have the microwave and the toaster going at the same time....and all this could be ours for $100 less a month.

That's right, Calgary friends. We're looking at 2 bedroom apartments for $600 a month, 5 blocks or less from the metro, which would get us to school in 15 minutes on a slow day. HA! (Sorry, Kel, I don't mean to taunt you and your 45 minute hike to school.)

For those that don't know first hand, Calgary Transit runs on E-time. This means, if you wait at a stop, there will Eventually be a bus. Maybe. Unless it's raining or snowing. I once waited downtown during rush hour for 45 minutes in a downpour without seeing a single bus that was going towards my area. Talk about fucked. I probably could have walked home in 55 minutes.
Or how about the time I waited 30 minutes in -40 weather, with no bus shelter because the army of shelter hating crackheads had broken the glass 2 months ago and it hadn't been replaced yet. Those are the days you call in 'sick'. It was a huge relief when I got my Honda and could take my hour and a half (one way) commute down to 45 minutes. God, I hate that city. Too bad there are so many awesome people still living there, or I would NEVER go back. Well, maybe just long enough to get an A-Bomb. When we go back this summer, I'll take a before and after picture. The last time I had one, it really did explode. And hey, it'll be May. What are the odds it's going to snow? Just because last year....and the year before that...

We'd better pack for snow.

Book Giveaway

2009-03-15T00:54:00.006-04:00

Back in January, Pickles on Pizza started a book giveaway with the Friday Night Knitting Club, and has kept giving away books on her blog. The rules are simple, you leave a comment on her blog and she picks a winner. When you've finished the book, you have to give it away and keep it moving. I won Eating the Cheshire Cat this month, so it's my turn to do a giveaway.

The book is great, and it came at just the right time. If it had got here any earlier, I would have read it instead of studying for my french test. I lucked out and it was waiting for me when I got home from taking the hideous test, and thank GOD! (Thank PICKLES! :)) It was one of those tests that I know I screwed up so many things, I was going to spend the whole night just going over all the mistakes and berating myself for not remembering. The book saved me a mental beating.

And, other than the timely arrival, the book is damn good. It's fast paced and strange, and there's a scene at the end of the first chapter that will make your blood run cold, in a delightful "We're in for a crazy ride" kind of way. It's funny, and I was so caught up in the book, I didn't even pay attention to Dollhouse last night. (Sorry, Joss. I did catch the conversations about the 'man reaction'. Kind of funny. That blond guy is no Xander, though. You should call Nicholas Brendan. I don't think he's busy.) Anyhoo...if you need a happy little break from reality, leave a comment below and I'll pick a winner next Sunday. If you don't win this time, you can follow the books around the blog world and keep trying :)

Good luck! And a huge thanks to Angela for starting this!

Run for your lives!

2009-03-15T00:40:00.003-04:00

Be careful - the world is full of lurking liberals! Oh, Steve. You're such an ass. He's all smiles and smarm when Obama comes to town, but behind closed doors, apparently ALL the economic of the world, but especially Canada, are the fault of Obama and those darn lurking liberals.

Lets not point out that Obama has only been in charge for 2.5 months. It sure wasn't dear old W who had anything to do with the economy of the US for the last 8 years. And it's not like Stevey boy could have done anything to better prepare for this, he's not the Prime Minister or anything. Hasn't been for the last 3 years. Or has he....?

Oh, but you know, I just bet that every time he wanted to help the average Canadian (average Canadian Christian white male , that is), I just bet those sneaking dirty Liberals stopped him. IF ONLY! If only he'd been allowed to lock up all those 14 year old murderers and throw away the key! If only abortion were illegal! (Why, then he could throw LOTS of teenage 'murderers' in prison forever! WHEE!!) If only it were illegal to pay women more than 60% of what men make for the same job! We'd soon see a blessed change if ONLY Stephen Harper and his glorious army of old white men were really in charge of making Canada "a great nation", instead of all those lurking Liberals who have no place in a democracy.

I hope to god you all got the sarcasm there.

The Unbearable Uselessness of Gov't Websites

2009-03-11T23:47:00.003-04:00

I've spent too many hours over the last month trying to figure out how to apply for jobs on the federal something or other, 'we hire students cause they work cheap' site. I know I set up a profile with my resume and life history and everything but blood type, cause I don't remember what that is. I know I did this before the deadline, because that doesn't happen til the 30th. I can't tell if the application is sitting in internet limbo, or if I'm registered, if I need to do something else or what. I sure as hell can't apply directly for a job. Unless I just went crosseyed and missed that part. When I click on the "MY JOBS LIST" button, there is nothing there. Which can't be right, because for damn sure I'm at least qualified to be a janitor. I think I just read something that implied in order to get certain jobs I may have to write essays on various topics to prove I can...write English? Communicate effectively? HA! Choke on that irony, government website. Choke and die.

I'll work at McDonalds. I bet I look good in a hairnet.

It's not spring

2009-03-10T22:04:00.002-04:00

Was going to post, but I'm boring myself even trying, so I'm out! Not dead, but deadly boring. Talk to you soon, hopefully after Friday and the demise of the evil upcoming french test.

Spring!

2009-03-08T17:33:00.003-04:00

The snow is melting, the sun is shining and I'm happy about it. The house has been cleaned, multiple hours of studying have been done, we're enjoying eating tofu...Its Invasion of the Body Snatchers over here.

I completely forgot that it was spring ahead day today. Thank god the computer and cell phones changed automatically, or I would probably have been an hour late for everything for days.

And the good news is, this semester is nearly over! Last day of classes is one month away. Cue Gloria Gaynor, I think we're going to make it.

Hallelujah

2009-03-06T16:43:00.004-05:00

Last night was the first time in a week that I've slept more than 4 hours in a row at night, when I could get to sleep at all. I've never experienced insomnia, and I've never been properly sympathetic. I've had the odd sleepless night, but when you string 5 or 6 of them together it's hell. I thought my brain was going to boil and liquefy in my skull, or that I was going to have a psychotic break and go on a killing spree. It was almost impossible to remember things or pay attention, and Gord has spent much of his time this week talking me down from the ledge. (Not literally, you can relax, parents.)

So it's been 3 days since my last coffee, I'm drinking chamomile tea before bed, I found a bedtime yoga routine, and last night I took a valerian capsule. I only took 1, even though the bottle says 2 or 3, because I didn't know how fast they'd work, or how groggy I might be in the morning. I did wake up a few times during the night, but I felt so much better this morning, and I don't think I was any groggier than usual. I have no idea which of these things is helping, maybe all in conjunction, who knows. I'm just glad I have my brain back. I think I'll keep this regime going for the weekend, and then see if I can have a natural sleep by Monday.

And for those of you that aren't watching BSG tonight, you can always go out to the movies - The Watchmen is coming out today! Gord is taking me on a movie date this weekend, and it's going to be AWESOME.

Gord is making a tofu stirfry tonight, and it smells really good. Tofu, smells good....can't believe I just said that. Have a great weekend!

Realizations

2009-03-03T23:42:00.002-05:00

I have that pale, pasty corpse skin with undertones of purple. It's time to start fake 'n baking or buy black eyeliner in bulk. I'm leaning towards eyeliner, if only because I've read no reports that emo leads to cancer.

I missed school. That whole week where I was full and heavy with ennui, that was me missing the learning. Aw.

Every night, I go to bed with the intent to get up, make a healthy breakfast, and not have to rush. To take the stairs, not the escalator, to get green tea or water instead of coffee, cream, sugar, doughnut, diabetes, death, all for $2.54!

Every morning I say fuck it and hit snooze.

Snooze.

Snooze.

Snooze.

Getupgetdressedgetoutgetonthetrain switchtrains gettoschool getinline.....ahhhh. Get coffee in system. Get grubby little hands on doughnut. Come on, get happy.

My dear friend Kristy always says goodbye with a cheery "Make good choices!"....I keep intending to, that counts for something, right?

Open Letter to Steve,

2009-03-03T23:08:00.003-05:00

Dear Steve,

I know you are threatened by the fact that Iggy is taller than you, but PLEASE. For the love of god, pull your head out of your ass, and get to work on something USEFUL. No, attack ads don't count. I know they're fun, but you're like the unpopular kid in high school who somehow managed to get elected class president, and now you're trying to cancel the senior class trip and make science fair mandatory. CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. We all just want to go to Six Flags, and you're ruining everything.

Try to download a new operating system, RoboHarper. Maybe something with Smileys.

You sincerely suck,

Yours truly,
Much of Canada, Except Alberta, They Still Like You For Reasons I Can't Fathom.

So much for that theory

2009-03-03T00:47:00.006-05:00

Apparently, you can be too poor for the good toilet paper. The environmental costs are too high. This is why I don't bother making resolutions at New Years or any other time. There's always something that comes up that negates the whole thing.

Like this article that implies using soft toilet paper is the equivalent of driving a Hummer.

The environmentalists say regular use of soft tissue paper is flushing trees from Canada's ancient forests down the toilet and causing as much global warming pollution as someone who drives a gas-guzzler.

You know it's bad when these stories show up in the Calgary Herald, a city owned entirely by oil & gas. So when we finish the super deluxe tp I got on Friday, we're going back to recycled. We're just going to have to do some product testing to find the least objectionable. I'll let you know when we discover the best of the recycled tp options.

Blowing your mind, old school

2009-03-02T01:50:00.009-05:00

Gord and I went on a walk down memory lane last night, via youtube, and rediscovered all our favorite cartoons. We can only hope that Disney wasn't adding subliminal messages to the shows to create an entire generation of sleeper agents.

And, you can clearly see how my early exposure to cartoons planted the seeds of a love of power ballads. I'm not ashamed anymore, I had no choice!

World domination

2009-02-27T16:35:00.002-05:00

Angela's warm weather made it up here. It's raining and +6! Between the two of us, I think we can pick up where Sean Connery left off in that terrible Avengers movie. World domination through weather manipulation here we come. Maybe we'll save the giant teddy bear costumes for the after party.

Another reason to celebrate - Gord and I finally finished our incredibly scratchy toilet paper. Way back in September, we were out getting survival supplies, and found ourselves facing a wall of toilet paper that was easily as long as a basketball court. When confronted with so many choices, we panicked. Like deer in the headlights. Why should there be 400 choices of toilet paper? WHY!? We grabbed a gigantor pack because we drove to the store instead of walking, and thought we'd stock up. And we got something that was recycled, because it's toilet paper for craps sake, you know what we're using it for. Unbeknownst to us, we also got something that was 80% sandpaper.

We suffered in silence for months, neither of us wanting to complain, because there's no way we were going to throw all that tp out. And what else could we use it for? Blowing noses was worse than wiping butts. We are too old to tp the neighbors house.

So here we are in February - that's 6 months of tp torture - and yesterday I put on the last roll of sandpaper. To avoid this kind of mishap in the future, we have a new house rule. Forget recycled, forget sales, all we search for now are the packages with kittens on them. Kittens, or bears, or some other cute fluffy thing you'd never use to wipe your ass. Lesson learned -You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

Concession speech

2009-02-26T23:00:00.004-05:00

When I changed my facebook status to "Lisa is doing nothing for a whole week" I had no idea how true that would turn out to be. I had big plans for reading week, was going to make some new products for my Etsy shop, was going to head out and take some new photos and see if I got anything I could work with, was going to review a chapter a day of the Greek Mythology textbook so I can pass the midterm on Tuesday....

So far, I have managed 1 chapter of review and 4 loads of laundry. It's been snowing or raining every day, when it isn't -17, so taking photos was off the agenda. Low motivation to start on new products, because they require a lot of supplies and I haven't wanted to go out in the snow & cold.

So I have to admit defeat. This Montreal winter broke me. I miss the chinooks, even though they always brought migraines with them. I want it to be spring already!

Under the Blacklight

2009-02-24T18:17:00.006-05:00

After two weeks of warm winds and melting snow, we're once again buried and chilly. It's -16, too cold for an aimless walk so we haven't been doing much of anything except cooking and eating. In the last 2 weeks, Gord has perfected fried rice, somehow managing to get it crispy and sticky and just right. And he's been fattening me up with his butter & cream chicken penne, oh my good god, can he cook.

It's reading week, so no school, but I have no books! No new books, at least. So I splurged on Linguality - they publish french books with a glossary of english on the left hand page, and the french text on the right, so you don't have to read with a dictionary and your computer open to Babelfish. I must be learning some french, because with the glossary I could make sense of the sample page I downloaded, but I had no such luck with the Italian. I think this will make it easier to learn the language, and if nothing else, I get new books!

I just finished Embracing the Wide Sky by Daniel Tammet. Gord ordered the book after seeing him on The Hour, and it was a really good read. I usually can't plod through nonfiction, but this book makes all the scientific mumbo jumbo easy peasy. If you've ever wondered how your brain works, this is a good book to start with. The author is an autistic savant, and once recited Pi to 20,000 digits or something insane like that. I can remember Pi to 2 digits. The difference is how he sees numbers, not as the dry, meaningless pencil scratchings from math class like I do, but as images, so reciting Pi is like describing a landscape.

Post title is from the song stuck in my head, it was pretty much the soundtrack of last winter and reminds me of driving up and down highway 2 over Christmas. You can listen to the whole album here.

Holy fuck, people suck

2009-02-20T13:15:00.003-05:00

I don't know if you've heard about the trapped dolphins off the coast of Newfoundland or not. Here's the story from the Associated Press:

SEAL COVE, Newfoundland (AP) — Five exhausted dolphins have been trapped behind drifting pack ice for several days and now need rapid rescue, the mayor of an eastern Canadian village said Wednesday.
The 8-foot animals somehow became separated from the open Atlantic and have been swimming for four days in a shrinking open-water area of Seal Cove's harbor, just 100 feet from shore, said Mayor Winston May.
"They keep going round circles, trying to keep this little pool of water open so that they can have their breathing area. And the whole bay seems to be froze up, there's no where else for them to go," said May.
Wayne Ledwell, an expert on whale rescues, said dolphins won't swim long distances under ice since they need to surface regularly to breathe and the slabs of ice would make that impossible.
Ledwell, who heads Whale Release and Strandings Group, which rescues whales and dolphins, said that if the ice continues to encroach on the open area the dolphins could eventually drown.
May said he has asked Canada's federal Fisheries Department to send an icebreaker into the community's harbor to create a channel to the open Atlantic.
"They're not going to survive much longer," said May. "You can hear (the dolphins) crying all night long," he said.

That said, what kind of person could just stand around and listen to these poor creatures die slowly without even trying to help? So today, some of the local fishermen did exactly that, and while I applaud them and think it's great that they got some of the dolphins out, I lost all faith in humanity after reading just 5 of the comments at the end of the story. Ignorance abounds, and some people will find a way to bring abortion into every discussion. If you're that fucking bothered by abortions, start handing out condoms. Are all the pro-lifers on the face of the earth registered as foster parents or trying to adopt a child? Are they teaching their kids that while abstinence is the super duper bestest choice ever, they do have other birth control options that rely less on the tenuous self control of a teenager and more on that wacky science crap that makes Jesus cry?

Can't you just leave the damn happy not-dead dolphin story alone? And when is the StupidFilter coming out?

Yes Pecan!

2009-02-19T17:45:00.004-05:00

Gord and I have a special relationship with Ben & Jerry's. It's what we turn to whenever we have something to celebrate (valentines day) or something to mourn (losing a hockey game). We usually go with Cherry Garcia, but next time we're celebrating something, we'll keep an eye out for the Obama inspired flavor.

Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. For George W. they they asked for suggestions from the public.

Here are some of their favorite responses:
Grape Depression
The Housing Crunch
Abu Grape
Cluster Fudge
Nut'n Accomplished
Good Riddance You Lousy *$%er... Swirl
Iraqi Road
Chock 'n Awe
WireTapioca
Impeach Cobbler
Guantanmallow
imPeachmint
Heck of a Job, Brownie!
Neocon Politan
RockyRoad to Fascism
Cookie D'oh!
Nougalar Proliferation
Death by Chocolate... and Torture
Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
Credit Crunch
Mission Pecanplished
Country Pumpkin
Chunky Monkey in Chief
WMDelicious
Chocolate Chimp
Bloody Sundae
Caramel Preemptive Stripe
I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands . . . with nuts.

Good old Ben & Jerry, always amusing.

And Barack Obama was in Canada today. He showed Steve how to smile and wave at the crowds, although we all know they weren't cheering RoboHarper. And then Barack Obama had a beaver tail. It's just a flat doughnut, don't get PETA on the phone. But they talked about that damn doughnut for a good hour on CBC, because the eating of doughnuts is both more interesting and more satisfying than anything Steve has to say.

And we're probably going to have to have doughnuts and ice cream for dinner.

Super lazy

2009-02-18T00:45:00.003-05:00

I was tagged on facebook about a month ago, and finally got around to doing this...and I'm reposting it here, because I can.

25 things- yada yada, blah, blah, here's 25 random and mildly interesting things about me.

1. I have a tattoo on my wrist. Outside wrist, not the inside where all the veins are. It’s a compass, and I got it as a reminder not to waste my time on things I don’t believe in.

2. After much trial and error, I know that bangs and perms are always a mistake.

3. I should have been at Woodstock.

4. I believe if you don’t love a dog, the part of your heart that is capable of unconditional love will shrivel up and die.

5. There are few things sexier than a man who will do his own laundry. Should you ever find yourself asking your lover “Do I have any clean underwear?, you have failed at life.

6. I read a lot. I have turned down sex in order to continue reading. I have turned down sex in order to continue reading a book I am rereading for the 4^th (or 5^th or 6^th) time.

7. I can make macaroni & cheese, make tea/coffee, brush my teeth, wash my hair &/or shave my legs while reading.

8. Music makes it better, where “it” = everything.

9. Of all the sex jobs, I think dominatrix is where it’s at. You get kick ass boots, and who doesn’t look good in black? All you have to do is force some dimwit to lick your boots, then you work out some ‘personal issues’ with a riding crop and demand money. Should the client get out of hand, you have a large man in leather chaps on hand to slap him around some, and you charge more for the extra ‘fun’. Where’s the bad?

10. I’d like to touch a live bear. A very, very tame bear, or a heavily sedated (very tame) bear, because I don’t want touching a bear (and screaming, and bleeding and hearing my bones crunch) to be the last thing I do…

11. I just realized I’ve only listed 10 things and 3 of them reference sex in some way. I’m cheating by pointing this out and skipping on to

12. I hate hot days, hate being sticky with sweat, and long for crisp cold fall days all through summer.

13. When I was 7 my favorite song was “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire. That and The Nature of Things with David Suzuki had me convinced that the end of the world was coming up fast.

14. I’m really glad my brother doesn’t hold a grudge for all the times I beat him up.

15. When I was one, I didn’t talk to my mom for an entire week when she took my bottle away. I think that’s the longest I’ve ever held a grudge.

16. I can’t remember ever being really sick in junior high or high school, but I sure stayed home ‘sick’ a lot.

17. Ditto for work. I’ve hated every job I’ve had, except for Chapters. I loved that job, and those people.

18. I have never been in the hospital except to visit someone.

19. We’re nearing the end.

20. The only video game I have ever finished is Fable 2. Not even the original Mario Bros. I could never get past the damn water level.

21. I always skip the last chapter of the House at Pooh Corner,

22. and the episode of Buffy where Xander leaves Anya at the altar.

23. I should be studying for my French midterm right now.

24. I can’t believe this is the most interesting stuff I could come up with.

25. I’m going to bed.

I'd tag people, but it's a huge imposition, and I'd have guilt if I did. But don't feel bad that I didn't tag you! I wanted to, I just didn't think you had the time....

VD, vampires and little felt hearts

2009-02-16T13:43:00.006-05:00

Weekend recap: Dollhouse was ok. I think I was dazzled by Eliza Dushku's beauty into thinking it was better, but once it was over, I could see that it shambled a bit. BUT we have to remember that this is a last minute filler episode that Joss put in to explain how things work in his world, and I'm not going to judge it too harshly.

And Battlestar Galactica was just frakking awesome, as always. Gord and I need to rewatch it, though, because so much was revealed that we couldn't keep up with it all.

For VD, we had sushi and watched a really sweet love story called "Let the Right One In". Maybe not so much a love story as a subtitled vampire movie from Sweden....but it was also kind of lovely.

We also watched Religulous last night. Its one of those funny/disturbing movies that leaves me wondering if everyone but me is just a high functioning wacko...

I don't have much experience with religion. My brother and I went to Sunday School when we were kids, not at a church but at the community hall. And I'm pretty sure I spent most of my time daydreaming, because all I remember is singing that tack song, pretending my finger was a candle, and getting finger jello afterwards. If that was supposed to be the liver of Christ or something, no one told me.

And we went to christian camp in the summer, but that was more because it was close, our friends went there, and it got us out of the house for a week. Again, the religious part of it whooshed right past me, and I just enjoyed the campfires and capture the flag. The only lasting religious thought I got out of it was "God is Love" because at craft time they had us embroider it on a little red felt heart. I know after our camp went home, other camps used the same buildings, so it's entirely possible that a rival christian camp moved in and had all the little kids embroider "God Hates" on little black felt hearts.

You have to be really careful what you teach your kids, cause they may grow up to be assholes.

Double whammy

2009-02-13T15:55:00.002-05:00

Dollhouse is on tonight, check it out if you're going to be home. Joss Whedon has never failed to impress, and I doubt he's starting now. And then - all kinds of crazy shit is happening on Battlestar Galactica. I can't even process it all.

If you aren't already watching this show, you need to start. Forget whether or not you like sci-fi. Ask yourself if you like strong character driven drama that is socially relevant. Maybe you like sexy women - BSG has the sexiest women on tv. Feminist? The best pilot in the fleet is played by Katee Sackhoff, and a woman president. Mystery lover? There are 12 Cylons (Robots that look human) but no one knows who they are.

Look, there are fabulous and hilarious recaps of the seasons on the internet, and I would post them for you, but if you watch the recaps, you will want to watch the show, only ALL THE SURPRISES WILL BE RUINED. Yeah, I had to shout that, it's that tragic. So here's what you do. Next time you're sick, and have to spend a day or two on the couch anyway, you send your significant other or your helper monkey down to the video store (or you download the bit torrent) to get the 4 part miniseries, and watch it. It will make you better, I promise.

Here's the promo for the miniseries, because it doesn't give away too many secrets.

If you didn't get goosebumps watching that, you're probably dead inside.

Friday the 13th!

2009-02-12T23:38:00.005-05:00

It's after midnight here, regardless of what the blogger clock at the bottom says) so it is technically Friday, and I think I'm going to draw for the giveaway now....

And the winner is Angela! Yay!! Angela is awesome, I'm so glad it's going to her house :) If you haven't checked out her blog, it's Pickles on Pizza, and frequently hilarious.

And now, I'm off to bed. I've learned my lesson about going to french class half asleep.

The New Maybe

2009-02-11T01:39:00.003-05:00

There comes a point of no return in any relationship where it becomes clear that you have a choice to disclose your shit, or keep it hidden. My blog and I have arrived at that point, and I'm choosing to disclose.

I got married at 23 and divorced at 25. I'm not telling how old I am now. 25+ is good enough. I have a hard time being easy on 23 year old me, because I look back and think, how could I be so stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid. But on a good day, I can admit that at 23, I was naive, and desperate to please, to be loved, to find my place, and I had no idea where to start. So when people came along and said, "Here. Your place is here" or "You should do this" instead of screaming and lighting their faces on fire like I would today, I said "Thank you. Thank you, I'll do my best over here, you'll see. Just for you." Because doing anything just for me was pretty selfish, and I was trying to fit my saint pants and make everyone happy.

So I got married. And I knew, somewhere, maybe down in my toes, that it wasn't the right thing to do. But I felt like things were beyond my control, and that it was too late to stop it. Oh, baby, do I ever know now that I'm always completely in control of what I choose, and I can stop things at anytime. But 23 year old me didn't, and she got married. Even though her toes knew better, her hands sent out invitations and her mouth smiled and said the words. But then her toes told her ankles. Ankles told knees.

Word spread, and a feeling of dread went with it. By the time it got to my liver, every time I opened my mouth, I felt bile rise. 24 year old me tried to just resign herself to it, and tried comforting herself with the possibility of reincarnation and making better choices next time. Not very fucking comforting, let me tell you. By the time the knowing spread to my heart, I knew what to do. And it hit my throat and I said out loud for the very first time
"I'm on the wrong bus."
No one really heard, so I tried screaming
"I'm on THE WRONG FUCKING BUS!"
Well, now everyone is staring at me like I'm crazy, but they still don't understand. They offer to let me off at the next stop, but I'm adamant. I'm not going one more mile in the wrong direction, thank you very much. Let me off.
"oh, but we can't get your stuff out here. Just wait til the stop, and we can think about what to do. Maybe this is the right bus, maybe you just aren't sure where you want to go?"
No way, hoser. This is the wrong bus, and I don't need any of that crap, so I'm leaving.

So I left, and I pretty much took my cats, my books, a boatload of 'mutual' debt, all the emotional baggage I could carry, and set off on foot. And it took a lot longer for that sense of knowing who I was and where I was headed to reach my eyes so I could see a path. And even longer to reach my brain so that I think I'm making choices with my whole being, and not just reacting to circumstances any more. A large part of figuring out who I am and what I want has led me 5 provinces away from everyone I know, because I needed a lot of space to see things clearly, and even more silence to hear myself think. Even when they love you, people will block your path or try to steer you to what they think is safe. If I've learned anything, it's that I can't take your advice. I'd rather step on my own snakes than get back on your bus. I set those saint pants on fire, and I'm happy in my own dirty jeans. Finally.

It's possible I only posted tonight because I've had this song on repeat all night, but I'm glad I got that out, and even though I still kind of think "How could I be so stupid?" at least I know I'm not so stupid now.

You could write, you could think, you could have sex
You could leave your jewelry in a bowl beside the bed
Stare out the window, down the lawn, to the lake
For as long as it takes

Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe, love is the new maybe

I know what winter's about
Too many nights, not enough days
I watched the birds fly south
And no, I don't wait
The last words out of my mouth
Stay out of my way
And I'm in a wrong place

Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe it's the things we don't say
Maybe, love is the new maybe
Maybe, love is the new maybe
Maybe, love is the new maybe

- Tragically Hip

*I want to make clear that this ex-husband wasn't abusive or anything like that. I have all kinds of horrible things I can say about him, but I know that I'm biased and I won't leave them on the internet like stinking little trails of shit. Suffice it to say, I'm a shoe and he's a glove, and it was eventually impossible to pretend that we were a pair.

This I'd like to see

2009-02-11T00:04:00.002-05:00

From the Montreal Mirror:

Even though the World Anti-Doping Agency views pot differently than performance-enhancing drugs and only sanctions athletes for a positive test that occurs during competition periods, perhaps it’s time they actually did take a stand on recreational drugs and make an example of athletes who get stoned. Of course there’s really only one way you can do that: start an All-Drug Olympics.

Sure, swimming after an ounce of weed would be pretty boring with all those people underwater looking at their hands and pretending that they’re dolphins, but I would love to tune in to watch Greco-Roman wrestling on ecstasy or a 67-hour crystal meth relay race. Maybe you could add obstacles like contaminated needles for them to jump over. Best of all: you could still hold it in Vancouver in 2010 since that’s pretty much what it’s like downtown already!

I'm cheating with the post today because I'm tired, and it's freezing out here. But I think the All-Drug Olympics might be the best anti drug campaign ever run. Few kids want to grow up to be a punchline, or an international joke. Except for the 'Paris-ites', stupid girls who are "competing" to become Paris Hilton's next best "friend". That show makes my skin crawl. That, and Toddlers & Tiaras. There's a facebook group that has started trying to get it shut down.
If you aren't familiar with this show, it's about those horrifying baby beauty pagents. It's all helpless toddlers whored up by their unhappy mothers - who are almost all mulleted, overweight women in pleated jeans. They put their kids in beauty pagents because they feel ugly and want to think that something pretty could come from them. You know what they need, TLC? NOT a show about the pedophelia-pandering baby ho show. They need Stacey and Clinton. I bet they'd feel much better after a makeover. They might even de-whore their innocent 2 year olds and let them play like normal kids.

Heartbreak Hotel

2009-02-10T01:57:00.008-05:00

It's so much easier to give things a song title.

We're renting, and we're not allowed dogs. This isn't a big problem because I haven't really had the heart to have a dog since I put Mikey down on Easter weekend 2 years ago. He did not rise from the dead. He's on top of my bookshelf right now, in a tiny little box, and I don't know if I can ever spread those ashes. Maybe I'll wait, and someone can send us off together.

And on that maudlin note, I made the mistake of opening an email from the Animal Rescue Network, and checking their next adoption days, and then the bigger mistake of checking the photos of the dogs they have for adoption.

And if it weren't for the damn rental agreement, one of these darling puppies would be on my lap right now.

Bowser

Blue

If you live in the Montreal area and are looking for a pet, please check out the Animal Rescue Network. They're the largest no-kill shelter in Montreal, and they're having an adoption day this Saturday. It's Valentine's Day, and you are supposed to find someone who will love you forever, right? Dogs trump people every time on that count.

Adoption Day
Saturday February 14th, 2009 11:59 AM until 04:00 PM
Location: Natural Animal & Pawtisserie 514-488-4729
Map: 4932B Sherbrooke West Montreal QC

Gluten free peanut butter cookies

2009-02-09T00:11:00.003-05:00

Who knew you could make cookies without any flour at all? When I read this recipe, I had visions of burnt globs of peanut butter on my cookie sheet, but it does work. It's also the easiest recipe in the world,

1 cup peanut butter (recipe said smooth, we went chunky)
1 cup white sugar (this is a bit too sweet, you could cut it down to 3/4 or even 1/2, maybe)
1 egg

Bake @ 350 for 12-15 minutes, or until they're golden brown at the bottom.

This will make about 1 dozen cookies. And it's easy enough that even I can do the math if this needed to be doubled, quadrupled, etc.

I like this because when we grocery shop, we try to skip the cookie/snack aisle, which is good... But then we end up at home desperately craving something sweet at 11PM on a Sunday night, and can't do anything about it. Until this little gem came our way, because it's all stuff we have around all the time. Diets be damned!

Giveaway!

2009-02-06T20:15:00.003-05:00

February's giveaway is this photo, in 12 x 18:

To enter, just leave a comment with your email and I'll pick a winner next Friday.

I spent the week researching some printing options, and I'm able to lower prices on everything, and offer different finishes and sizes, up to 16x20. I'm having a local lab print the photos, and everything can be printed on Fuji Lustre or Metallic finish. The metallic is very glossy, and colors look amazing and crisp on it.

I'm also working on new non-photography products that will be coming soon. I'll keep you posted.

I'll smell better soon

2009-02-06T20:06:00.003-05:00

I got my soap order from Bovine Bubbles & Hogwash Ltd today, and it looks and smells great. I took a couple pictures, but they came out blurry, so I'm just putting the link to her Etsy shop here.

I ordered the Satsuma (yummy), Fresh Lemon Sugar, and the Bamboo Charcoal bars. I'll probably have to hide the Satsuma one or Gord is likely to eat it. He's been known to lick the Pumpkin Spice bar we have going now. Silly boy. He should know that you grate them over ice cream. Honestly, I can't go back to mass produced soap when handmade smells 3,000 times better. Plus, the people at Zest can't possibly be as nice as Cara was.

The joy of parenting

2009-02-05T04:12:00.004-05:00

The kid has just come from some kind of dental surgery, and his dad wisely decided to film it and post it on the internet. Because there are a precious few years where you have complete control over your children. This will be an excellent bargaining tool when the kid is older.

And that's pretty much how I felt on Dayquil.

Randy-gram

2009-02-05T03:42:00.003-05:00

There's something about an apology that always sounds off, no matter how sincere you may be on the inside. It generally sounds like
-"I'm just saying this to end the fight/shut you up"
-"I'm giving up"
-"I'll say whatever it takes to get back to my game/my book"

Gord and I were discussing this tonight and we have a solution. Gord came up with the name Randy-gram, btw. If this takes off, he wants 1/2 the credit.

Randy Travis is the only man on earth who sounds sincere no matter what he says.
When he says "I'm gonna love you forever and ever", you can't help but believe it.

When he says "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup", you believe that too.

So what we're proposing is a website where you could send Randy an apology, he would record it and email you the audio file. When you played this for whomever you have wronged, they would instantly forgive you. Because Randy just sounds so damn sincere.

Exhibit A is going to make you want to grab your honey and do the two step, so get ready.

Green

2009-02-04T22:23:00.006-05:00

Well, we did it - One Million Acts of Green! I have 17, and almost all of them were things I was already doing. If you haven't signed up for this yet, check it out. They're going to keep it going to 2 million, so get in and let them know that you already changed your light bulbs, and use canvas grocery bags.

They had a special on CBC about the One Million Acts, and interviewed some interesting businesses. There's a hair salon in Vancouver that uses organic vegetable based hair dyes, the Furniture Bank in Toronto - this is a really cool idea, because we've all seen furniture just sitting on the curb. The parking lot at our old apartment in Calgary was basically a furniture store, and it's such a waste. I know how hard it is to get someone to pick up your old furniture. Places like Value Village and Salvation Army expect you to bring it in yourself, and if you don't have a truck, or parents with a mini van, you just leave the stuff by the dumpster in the dark of night, and hope it gets taken in by a loving family. If it isn't, you're stuck pretending it isn't yours whenever you pass it on the way to the bus stop. Not that I know from personal furniture abandonment...

My favorite business is Rustic Overtones run by a man in Nova Scotia, he makes furniture and art from things people would just throw in a landfill. These are some of my favorites, and if I weren't so poor and low on space, I'd buy them.

Ok, so maybe I wouldn't exactly buy this wild turkey sculpture....

Daily potatos

2009-02-03T13:43:00.003-05:00

So that crayon theory seems to have touched a nerve with people. I don't want to be disparaging of all men, or to imply that you are all emotionally deficient, even though that's exactly what I said.

The capacity is there, and the emotion is there, but the ability to effectively communicate it isn't developed as relentlessly in young boys as it is in girls, and it's everyone's loss. I mock Mandatory Love Day, because the premise is a little horrifying. That there's one day a year where your lover can come up with some stock gesture, flowers, candy, whatever so long as it's heart shaped, and all the women in the world are supposed to live off that one gesture all year. It's like giving us a potato (Heart shaped potato) in February and wondering why we're starving in June.

So to all the men out there that I may have pissed off by saying you have 1/8th the capacity of women - don't take it out on the women in your life. You could even take the opportunity to tell them, with well chosen words, exactly what they mean to you. Don't crap out and get a card with a poem on it. Don't take the easy way out and clean the garage, or mow the lawn.

We don't want heart shaped anything. Just a little heart felt sincerity, wrapped up with words. Don't ask me what you're supposed to say. I don't know why you love the woman that you do. But you should, and she should hear all about it on a regular basis.

Think of it as an oil change on the love bus, or a save point in the relationship game, or whatever makes sense in the language you speak, little crayon box.

Crayon Theory

2009-02-03T01:55:00.006-05:00

If emotional understanding were crayons, most men get the 8 pack while women get the 64 pack with the built in sharpener.

The male crayon box contains 1 yellow (happy), 1 blue (sad) 1 red (angry) and 1 black (my team lost the playoffs) crayon. The other 4, he believes, are varying degrees of hunger.

Women have about 32 shades of orange, red, pink, flesh tones, magenta, rose, salmon, etc, etc, etc, that are all technically in the Red family. When a man encounters one of these emotions - say salmon (disappointment) or rose (resignation with a hint of despair), he frantically searches his crayon box for a match. What does that look like? A HA!

Thus the man will ask, with trepidation,
"Are you mad?"

To which the woman can quite honestly say,
"No, I'm not mad."

And the man scratches his head. He thinks to himself, well, she's either lying or she's hungry. He's still nervous, because there's something in the air that feels like a thing he should be able to name, but having eyes that only see primary colors, it is indistinct. He hopes that if he stays very still and very quiet, perhaps it will go away.

It is around this point that the salmon or rose has turned to a deep flashing red, and the man realizes there is no escape. There's going to be 'a discussion'. This is the first time the man begins to discern what rose (resignation with a hint of despair) looks like.

It is only by these small increments that you can acclimate a man to new emotions. After a long period of remedial color study, he will recognize that those 4 stages of hunger were in fact fledgling emotions, waiting to be acknowledged.

****DISCLAIMER*****

I fully understand and admit that this theory is not applicable to all people. So don't bitch me out if you are offended, you are probably an exception. If you want something official, send me your address and I can mail you a full color certificate confirming your exemption.

Traffic fairies

2009-02-02T20:22:00.004-05:00

Last night we made the best discovery. There's a 24 hour McDonalds a 5 minute drive from here. So much for all that walking in the snow. What's a girl to do when you can satisfy your cheeseburger cravings at any time of the day? Resign yourself to bigger pants, that's what.

When I broke the internet last week, Gord somehow managed to put it back better than before. We had never been able to have both laptops connected to the internet before, because our wireless was crap. But now, thanks to my incompetence and Gord's perseverance (good combo) we can have both laptops working off the wireless, and it doesn't take 2 hours to load a page. HAH! No more guilt on my part when I want to spend 3 hours window shopping the internet. No more guilt for Gord when he wants to play Xbox live.

And I completely forgot to move the car this morning. Being on the wrong side of the street costs $40. So I bolt up in a panic way after 9AM and rush outside to find that the traffic fairies have either been kind, or not been at all.

To celebrate this good fortune, I watched 4 episodes of CBC's Being Erica. It's been advertised ad nauseum, so I thought I would bite, and it's good eating. It's Canadian, which means it has 1/2 the cast of Degrassi, and a bunch of other stock players you will recognize from other shows. Canada only has 25 actors and they just pass from one set to another. The premise is interesting, Erica has a list of huge mistakes in her past that she obsesses over, and her therapist (?) somehow allows her to go back in time and make different choices. Who wouldn't take that chance if offered? All the episodes are online, I don't know if it works for anyone outside of Canada or not, like stupid ABC Family and their policy of holding The Secret Life of the American Teenager hostage every week just because I don't live in the US. I know there's some jackassy bureaucratic reason for it, but all that does is force me to watch it on Megavideo, where I don't get the benefit of all the ABC Family advertisers. Self defeating much? We've already established that I am open to suggestion. I see a cheeseburger commercial @ 2AM on a Sunday, I google '24 hour McDonalds Montreal'. I'm an advertisers dream, except for the whole being poor thing.

Smoke em if you got em.

2009-02-02T00:39:00.005-05:00

Michael Phelps inhaled. I really don't see what the big deal is, he seems like a decent, highly motivated young man who looks really good in a speedo. Who cares if he smokes a little pot now and then? Really, for someone with so much public pressure, so much instant fame and fortune - shouldn't we all just be glad he wasn't filmed banging underage hookers with a heroin needle in his ass? Perspective, people!

In other news, did you guys know they make chocolate Chex mix? It's awesome. I imagine it goes really well with the munchies.

Wanglo

2009-01-30T18:50:00.003-05:00

Here's the thing about me. I'm stupid. I stay up very very late on Monday and Wednesday nights because I don't have class til 4pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and can pretty much sleep until 3 if I so choose. No biggie. I make it to class.

But Tuesday and Thursday nights, I am not tired, I end up getting a whopping 3 or 4 hours of sleep before I have to be in French class at 10am. I thought I was ok. I made it through Wednesday's class. Today, I felt like I'd swapped brains with old W.

We start every class with role call, in French, and the professeur asks everyone a question using some of the terms we learned in the previous class. It's great practice, and we all learn a lot. Today, I'm sitting in class, waiting for my double double to cool to a drinkable temp, and I'm trying so very hard to stay awake, to pay attention, to understand what my classmates are saying......and I think to myself,

"Why is it so hard? It's like they're speaking a different language..."

I expect my official Idiot certificate is in the mail.

At the back of the roadhouse

2009-01-30T17:05:00.003-05:00

They got some buffaloes.

I used to think that's what Jim Morrison was singing. When you're 7, most lyrics sound like nonsense. Besides, you're coming from a musical background wherein women swallow horses to deal with flies. Of course there are buffaloes behind the roadhouse. And "Just for the people who like to go down slow" was there because 'slow' kind of rhymed with 'buffalo', not because the sentence had any meaning in itself.

Other things I didn't understand when I was young - why I couldn't watch Dirty Dancing. I could give a shit for the romance, all the kissing crap, blech, who cares? I just wanted to watch the dancing! But mom said no, and I figured it was because the blond girl had that operation to remove her appendix. That's what was happening, right? She had appendicitis?

I swear I was 15 before I realized she was having an abortion in that scene.

Other stupid things I believed as a child:

- Star Wars was the news from outer space. It looked so official with that yellow text scrolling by.

- that World War 2 was still going on in Europe, that they'd never got out of the 40's.

- that they stopped making music when Buddy Holly died. That one is dad's fault, he TOLD me they stopped making music when Buddy Holly died, and I believed everything he said. Plus, there was that song about "the day the music died" to back him up.

- that it was "Elmer the Fudd", not Elmer Fudd. Dad again. I still have to concentrate to say it correctly.

- that I was missing pages of Anne's House of Dreams and Anne of Ingleside. She kept popping out babies, but NO WHERE did I ever see it written that she was pregnant. A baby would show up, and I'd flip back pages, perturbed with myself for missing the bit where she tells her friends she's pregnant, or even just 'expecting'. I could never find it. There was vague mention of 'what we hope will come'.....and? And from that I'm supposed to know? I guess it was the highest indelicacy to mention such things in a childrens book back then, and I'm (mostly) over it now, but good god. I was confused enough as a child without Lucy Maud Montgomery convincing me I couldn't even read properly.

Anyhoo.....have a great weekend, and don't forget - if you have access to a child, rush out and tell them lies! It'll give them something to blog about later in life. ;)

Titles are boring

2009-01-29T22:02:00.003-05:00

Hell's Kitchen is back, trying to kill my faith in humanity with all the whining and scheming and backstabbing and profanity, but YOU CAN'T DO IT, FOX. Barack Obama is on CNN every minute of every day, being awesome and making the world better, and even the soulless jerkoffs at Fox can't stop him.

They can, however, stop Joss Whedon's new show. I think we should start a 'save the show' campaign right now, just because. Because it's Fox, and Joss Whedon, and they like to crush him into a bloody pulp. I haven't seen the show, but on the strength of Buffy and Firefly, and because Eliza Dushku is the shit, and because it's got Helo, I'm really looking forward to the Dollhouse. It starts Friday, February 13th, and I KNOW you guys think you should go out and have a life on Friday nights, especially if its the night before Preposterous Mandatory Love Day, but wouldn't you rather see what crazy wonderful little gems Joss has to share with us?

Presents!

2009-01-29T21:18:00.008-05:00

It snowed all day yesterday. The lying internet says 15 - 20 cm's, but I swear there's 2 feet of snow on the top of the car, and - AND - that's only what fell after 4:30 when I slogged through the snow to move the damn car to the right side of the street and had to brush off a foot of snow to do it. Gord claims I am exaggerating, but what does he know? I think the person standing in knee deep snow with her arms buried to the elbow in snow while trying to brush a small avalanche of snow off the windshield has a pretty good idea just how much snow there was.

Walking is treacherous, because you've got a layer of sloppy, mucky snow like wet sand on top of ice, so you step and slide, step and slip, step and slide - another month of this and I'll have buns of steel, or at least buns of less dough.

With all the snow, and the package that arrived today, it was like a mini Christmas. Back in December, I won a blog giveaway from Emerald Arts and with the fabulous speed and dedication we all love, Canada Post delivered it right to my door a mere 7 weeks after it was mailed.

Here are the 2 art books - so creative and beautiful, and you can purchase Volume 2 here -

and Festive Phillip!!! He's so damn adorable, I've got him on my keychain so he can go to school with me. You can get one of his brothers or sisters here.

Thank you, Emeral Arts for making my day! It was such a treat to come home and find these treasures waiting for me.

Because I got high

2009-01-28T23:50:00.003-05:00

I spent much of the last week high on various cough medicines. I'm blaming them for the fact that I forgot to mail in some of my student loan forms (even though that was 3 weeks ago), the fact that I haven't felt like blogging or replying to any emails, became addicted to Zoo Tycoon, have only been sleeping in 2 hour snippets, broke the internet yesterday and dropped my pizza on the floor cheese side down tonight at dinner. Those drugs have a lot to answer for.

So as a public service announcement, stay away from Dayquil. That shit will fuck you up, and not in a fun way. Much better are the Buckley's capsules - you don't get that god awful taste and you get a gentle sleepy high, not the "oh shit. the room is spinning and I think I've forgotten my name" Dayquil high. As far as I can tell, one hit of orange death takes about a week to get out of your system.

Due to the drug addiction, I haven't done or accomplished much the last week, except for frakking finally finishing Bleak House. Good old Dickens. And I got the giant Jane Austen book today. The only problem with ordering books online is that sometimes you don't notice that they are behemoths and you could never ever read them in the bath. I really should have suspected, since it's 6 books in one, but I thought it would be fatter and smaller. As a bonus, though, I can count it as weight lifting whenever I read it.

I could lie and say I'm going to read the chapter we're covering in class tomorrow, but the truth is I'm going to make a cup of tea and catch up on House. The cough syrup made me forget it was a new episode Monday night, and I stupidly watched 3 reruns of Jon & Kate Plus Eight instead.
Damn Dayquil, I just want my life back!

Inauguration

2009-01-20T20:29:00.003-05:00

It's all over the tv & internet, and I really don't have anything to add to the day. Here's a cute little article about the kids at the first elementary school named after Barack Obama.

"I think it's really cool that he's president because he gets to stop the Iraq war, which has been going on for so long, and he can bring the troops home," said 11-year-old Maritza Morris, a sixth-grader.

It's strange to think the Iraq war has been going on for half this kids life. And what great faith in the President to believe that all he has to do is give the word and the troops can come home.

But my very favorite quote is Esta Thomas, 10 years old, who said "I think that they renamed the school because they believe that Barack Obama was a great leader to many people such as myself. Because each of us in our school also want to grow up to be president one day."

I was thinking about that. A friend of mine lived in America for a couple years when she was young. She told us that the teacher always made a point of saying to the students that any one of them could grow up to be President, and someone would always point out "But not Amanda, cause she's Canadian!" And I was thinking, I can't remember any teacher of mine ever telling any of us we could grow up to be the Prime Minister. It's a whole different culture here.

I can't imagine any Canadian parent looking at their beloved child and saying "Child of mine, some day you could grow up to be an evil, lying, money grubbing, two faced, backstabbing, jackass, motherfucker who will run this country into the ground, goddamit!"

Cause that's how we feel about our Prime Ministers. There's no real prestige with the job, you're basically just the biggest ass in the country, maybe you get a cream pie in the face, and then you write your boring memoirs, "I was an ass, I stole your money, there's nothing you can do about it now, hahaha, The End".

We tell our kids to be hockey players instead.

Much nothing about nothing

2009-01-19T22:13:00.002-05:00

It was a balmy -14 today, so we went toque-less. It's practically spring :)

Nothing much happening, except I have the sore throat now, and I'm the one refusing to gargle pee. There's something about being 5 blocks from a pharmacy that makes it seem a bit extreme.

What else? I had some great parking spots today, right in front of Loyola and tonight I found a spot on the right side of the street, so I don't have to move the car til Wednesday. It's all very exciting.

You know what's actually exciting, though? Waiting for the inauguration of Barack Obama. When I get feeling depressed about the rampant stupidity of people, just looking at him gives me hope. I think I'm going to redecorate the living room with Obama posters. In fact, I bet I can get Obama anything over at Etsy.

The last 2 weeks have been full of retail stupidity. Here are my favorites.

Stupid girl "It's my dad's credit card, he said I could use it."
Me "I can't accept any credit card unless the cardholder is here to sign for the purchase."
Stupid girl rolls her eyes, heaves a sigh and pulls out a wad of $50's. "Well, fine, I can pay, but my dad had better pay me back for these books, that's all I can say." And can I assume once she becomes whatever it is she's in school for, she will be reimbursing him for the cost of raising her?

To the multitudes that are talking on their cell - it's rude. Get off, and listen to me when I explain the return policy, or you will become one of the stupid guys & girls we get by the dozens asking "Can I return this without the receipt?"
No. No, you can not. Where on this earth can you do that, you idiot?

Stupid girl "I want to return this. It's new"
...Not after you've highlighted the entire first chapter, hon. And don't tell us you're dropping a course called "Human Sexuality" and returning the textbook called "Human Sexuality" because you didn't know what the class was about. Seriously.

To all the clueless who walk into the store, hand me their book list and say "I need these..."
I am not your personal shopper. Walk your ass around the store and pick up the books your damn self. Yes, princess. That means you and your nasty fake fingernails. Don't roll your eyes at me.

My very, very favorite stupid girl was the one who wanted to buy a calendar for 50% off. You've all seen calendars, right? You know how the back of them shows all the pictures for the months, so there are no surprises....

Stupidest girl "If I don't want this, can I return it?"
If you don't want it, don't buy it. How can life get any easier? These people are why they have to print instructions on each individual toothpick wrapper.

Thank god I'm done in 3 days, so you won't see me on the evening news being arrested for brutally attacking stupid students with a stapler. We have some good heavy ones at work, and by god is it tempting.

PS.

2009-01-13T16:29:00.004-05:00

I know I mentioned last week that there was a finished painting to show, but I'm honestly so busy (no, really, I'm busy. Out of the house and everything.) that I am not posting any new Etsy stuff until after the 23rd, because I can't even get to the post office before it closes most days. Even if I sold something, it would be days before I mailed it. Then there's guilt, and the constant feeling that I've forgotten to do something, etc. etc.

But, can I tell you how awesome Artfire is? I just paid my $7 monthly fee without having to do anything at all. Without even thinking about it. Ha! It comes out of my Paypal account automatically, and I know that kind of thing gives some people the willies, but I can never remember these little inconsequential things, like bills. Or when my last doctors appointment was.
If only visits to the dentist could happen without my knowing it. I'd get a little email notice,

"Hello Lisa,
Congratulations, you have no cavaties. You really need to start flossing. We can tell that you aren't.

Sincerely,
your dentist"

Anyway, pics and new shop stuff coming eventually.

Mind over weather

2009-01-13T15:54:00.005-05:00

It's snowing again, it's a swirly snowglobe world outside and it's getting COLD. Almost 2 pairs of socks cold. And it's going to be -30 tomorrow. I tried, I really tried, to will some of this down to Mississippi (god, that's fun to type), but I have failed. Maybe I need to know more about air currents for this to work.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to think that what I thought could change how things happened. Like in an airplane, thinking about crashing would make the plane crash. So I focused very very hard on the plane staying up, up, up. Of course, the pink elephant thought was there, but as long as I didn't let the word 'crash' enter the inner monologue, we were fine.

And reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was tough. I got that book for Christmas when I was 9 or 10, and I've read it a lot over the years, but even now, I find myself getting so tense, thinking "What if? What if he doesn't find the golden ticket??!" And part of me honestly thinks that if I don't remain vigilent, the book will change, he won't find the ticket, all the grandparents will die of cold or starvation, the house will fall down, his parents will leave to look for work and never come back, and the last page will just be Charlie, alone and dying in a snowbank.

It's the mark of a really good book that it makes you suspend belief, and my belief has just never come back down to earth.

So I'm going to go put on a thick pair of socks, and think really hard about warmer weather and wind currents. It's bound to work.

I amuse myself, and disgust my family :)

2009-01-12T20:28:00.002-05:00

One of the books I ordered with my giftcards was Dave Eggers' "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius", and I was thinking about that title today. Ironic or not, I would never have the balls to give a book that title. Of course, I'll never have any kind of balls. Then I started thinking about how strange it is that guys bring balls into everything. A woman would never say
"She's got tubes", or
"the eggs of that woman!" or
"bitch got womb, yo", when we admired the nerve or vivacity of someone.

Although it would be hilarious if one day we all just started greeting each other with
"Hey, girl, how's it flowing?"
And you could reply
"Heavy as horse piss" or
"Light as rain"
depending on how great or crappy your day was.

And I also think, if guys knew what we really thought of testicles, they would not bring up the topic so often. They don't make you look strong or manly at all. They look as tender and vulnerable as baby birds. As though at one point, you had this terrible accident and they couldn't quite put you back together, and now, unfortunately, your inside bits are left to fend for themselves on the outside. It's why we stay with you, I think, to make sure if there are any other accidents, we get you to the hospital on time so you don't have to go through life with your pancreas hanging from your side like another forgotten kiwi fruit.

ps. Sorry to my dad and brother.

Millenium hand & shrimp

2009-01-11T23:19:00.003-05:00

I had forgotten how hard Sunday nights can be. I find myself at 10 o'clock thinking the weekend wasn't fun enough, not nearly enough fun, we weren't wild and crazy guys, is there anything we can do before morning that will redeem us? Of course, my wild and crazy plan involved debating with Gord the likelihood of a Wendy's still being open at 11 on a Sunday night, and deciding that it wasn't worth going out to check. WOOHOO!

Either way, there's never anything to stop Monday morning from rolling in and bringing the doldrums with it.

Was it only 2 weeks ago that I didn't dread any of the days, didn't care what time it was? Bugrit.

The saving grace for this weekend was that I got 5 new books, and have read 2 of them - Ida B and Operating Instructions, both highly recommended. Actually, read anything of Anne Lamott's, it'll make your week. I feel somewhat refreshed and ready for another round of clock watching. It would just be better if there were cheeseburgers handy.

Lost

2009-01-11T22:48:00.002-05:00

Friday after french class, I had to find the magic Canada Post office that would take my student loan paperwork and turn it into eventual money. So I took out the campus map and carefully oriented it to match the streets outside, and struck out confidently in the wrong direction.

We walked 3 blocks before we realized the building #'s were going the wrong way, but the good news is we did find a Gap so Gord knows where to go to spend his Christmas giftcards. And we did eventually find the post office and I got everything stamped and signed and sent off, so they can't kick me out of school for not paying the bills.

It's very hard to go through life with no sense of direction. I can't tell where to go from looking at a map. I move by landmarks, as in, ok, we pass the bookstore, then the pastry store with the purple and gold sign, then there's that tree...This works very well for places I've been a couple of times and not at all for going new places. Walking back from the post office, I remembered our walk as - Chinese food, pub, noodle house, bank. You want to know what street we were on? The one with the student loan cashing Canada Post, and the chinese food place, pub, noodle house and bank.

Maybe this is what comes of growing up in the country, and taking the same road to school every day for 12 years. I never knew what Range Road we were on - hell, I think I was 14 before I realized they named the roads around our place. I figured everyone just knew where to go if you told them Holt's road, or Lawrence's or whatever. I guess it never really occured to me that you could go places you hadn't been before. So now I spend about 50% of my time lost, but I'm learning my way around, and at least if I don't know the names of the streets I like, I know what's on them. Chinese food, pub, noodle house, bank....

It's all about where you put your tongue

2009-01-09T16:37:00.004-05:00

It's 4:30 on a Friday and all I really want is a nap. And for someone else to go get groceries for us, because I just used the last of the milk to make a crappuccino. It's really bad, but I feel obligated to drink it because of the milk situation.

I can't make Gord go because he's sick, and refusing to gargle pee even though I assured him it would work. He's having a nap but if he's really sick tomorrow, I'll try pushing the pee cure again. It's that or go out into the cold cold world in search of medicine and gingerale, and frankly, I've had enough of the outside for one week.

Anyhoo... I just voted for the 2008 weblog awards, although I could only vote in the categories containing blogs I actually read. It's a good site to check out if you want to expand your blog list or just want to be super trendy and read what everyone else is reading. This is how I found Dooce.com last April, and spent many a delightful hour at work reading her entire archives. It was the most fun I ever had at that job, except perhaps the day I watched A Scanner Darkly on my ipod uninterrupted. Hooray for cubicles at the back of the office, if cubicle you must.

And I learned how to pronounce the letter 'e' in french. It's all about where you put your tongue. What I can't get over is how many international students are in our class. I can barely learn french and here they are learning french taught in english when they are native Chinese or Spanish speakers. It makes me feel like a jackass for complaining about any of the lessons.

I'm going to leave you with a creepy little nugget from my Greek Mythology class. You probably all know the myth of King Minos, how he was supposed to sacrifice this magnificent bull to Poseidon, but it was such a fabulous bull that he wanted to keep it. So he sacrificed an inferior bull, thinking he could fool the god, which he obviously couldn't. Poseidon retaliated by making King Minos' wife fall in love with the bull. Pasiphae got Daedalus to make her a hollow wooden bull so she could....yeuch....with the bull. And 9 months later, she had a bouncing baby minotaur. Is that not the grossest thing you've heard today?

Have a good weekend, and don't do anything the ancient Cretans wouldn't do.

8 inches

2009-01-07T23:23:00.006-05:00

Today I:

- had pink poptarts for breakfast
-went to school
-got in the wrong line for financial aid - in the wrong building, no less
- got me a double double
-went to french class. Our teacher is adorable. She told us today that we would have 2 'controles-surprises' which means, she said, 'at one moment I will tell you "ho, ho, it's time for a quiz!"'.
- got my student ID card
- had pizza
- found the right building and got in the right line for financial aid. Thank god.
- went to work, where Rita told us about Copoli's, home of the 8 inch burger. It's right across the street from our metro station, and we'd seen the sign but never been in. So we stopped tonight, and here it is:

The congealy cup on the side is poutine, and I know it looks like it was already eaten, but I promise you I will never post a picture of regurgitated fries. The burger was pretty good, although I was so hungry I would have happily eaten rocks...if they had cheese on them.

And throughout all these activities, it has snowed. As we were waiting for the bus home tonight, there were a couple of cars stuck in the snowbanks outside Loyola. One poor girl was trying to dig herself out with her windshield scraper, screaming "I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING WINTER!!!" I couldn't disagree more. :)

Stupid Girl

2009-01-06T20:46:00.002-05:00

I finished a painting on Sunday that I'm really happy with, and it looks pretty good, too. You'll have to just trust me on this. I can't post a picture of it because I can't hold my arms up long enough to take a picture. I will be making prints available in my Etsy shop soon, and it will most likely be this months giveaway. I could sell the actual painting, but I won't because I'm stupid and I refuse to fully participate in capitalism even if it would help pay my bills.

I had 2 classes today, and I'm loving Classics. There's no outside work, no reports, no nothing, you just show up to class and write the exams. That's my kind of education. If only learning French were so easy. Since we've moved here, I have managed to pick up one new word - "Prochaine" means 'next', and I only know that because of the metro announcements.
"Prochaine station Vendome" Using my awesome powers of deductive reasoning, I knew that "station" meant 'station' and Vendome is the Metro near us, so Prochaine must mean next. At this rate, I'll be bilingual in approximately.....never. Unless they turn the Metro into Sesame Street and start teaching me a word a day.

5 AM

2009-01-05T19:03:00.005-05:00

That's what time it was when I decided I couldn't sleep any more this morning. Not because I wasn't tired, but because I'd just had a very disturbing dream in which I had an affair with the guy from Dharma and Greg and gave birth to fish. Lots of floppy, gasping blue fish. It was a lot creepier than it sounds. The only thing to be gained by staying asleep was a descent into dementia, so I got up.

I surfed the internet for a while, packed a lunch, read The Good Fairies of New York and realized I'd bought the wrong transit pass. So I went to the Metro and got myself an Opus card - this little thing will last for years, and I can reload it myself.

Went to work, somehow managing to stay upright for the whole 8 hours. This is noteworthy because the most athletic thing I've done in the last 6 months involved walking 5 blocks to bring back cheese & doughnuts. Also noteworthy is the fact that I can still fit into regular pants. Ones without elastic waistbands or cartoon characters on them.

Came home, had pizza, had hot bath, am blogging & debating whether or not I can stay awake long enough to watch the Canada - Sweden gold medal game. And can anyone tell me where they get those giant flags?

Good GOD, why are they talking to Stephen Harper? He's has to ruin hockey too? Smarmy bastard.

Oh, and Martin Millar, author of Lonely Werewolf Girl & The Good Fairies of New York, has accepted my facebook friend request! :) This is one thing I used to hate about Facebook, that people would 'friend' someone they'd never met just to have the most friends ever. And while I've never actually met or interacted with Mr Millar, I still think it's cool that I'm 'friends' with the man behind 2 of my favorite books. And I'm thinking of making it a prerequisite for all future friends that they write amusing books about alcoholic fairies and laudnum addicted werewolves.

We are all doomed.

2009-01-03T00:21:00.004-05:00

I was reading about a movie that is coming out called 2012, an end of the world disaster movie from the same guy who gave us 10,000 BC - a movie as historically accurate as The Flintstones.

I personally - and I know you will all take great comfort in this - don't think the world will end in 2012. I am far more worried that the real future of humanity has been foretold by this movie, and the proof is all over the internet. I dare you to pick an article at random and read the comments, and tell me you don't despair for the future.

I'll even save you some time, and post the first 10 comments on the review of 2012 that I just read. If this is humanity in a nutshell, I think I prefer impending doom. (I removed people's names out of faint hope that some of them might be embarrassed by their comments and would appreciate the anonimity.)

Comments
The Mayans Got the Beginning of Time Wrong Wed Dec 31 at 20:14 EST

This movie is just entertainment...for some anyway. Its nothing to get worked up about. Besides, the Mayan Calender puts the beginning of time at around 3000 BC. From what I know of science, time began quite a long time before 3000 BC no? If the Mayans can't get the beginning of time right, its seems likely they might screw up the end of the world as well. I mean how could anyone possibly know when the world ends (however one interprets the meaning of 'the end of the world')?
HOPE Wed Dec 31 at 14:54 EST

As silly as this film appears to be, I for one hope something like this happens. After "civilized" human life is erased from the planet, Earth will begin to heal. Human beings have demonstrated that "we" are not worthy. "We" have fallen down on the job as stewards of this world. Life of some kind *will* continue after humans are gone. Hopefully, whatever next emerges as "intelligent life," will do a better job. - Learning the old wisdom: "You don't sh*t where you eat." Human beings (the MORON MAJORITY) deserve everything that is coming.
Whatever... Tue Dec 30 at 01:53 EST

Yeah, yeah. Another disaster movie... whoop de do. The sad thing is, movies like this trivialize very real current problems like a faltering global economy, global climate change and resource depletion. But, you know, those things are just not interesting enough to merit as much attention...
To Nick Mon Dec 29 at 22:21 EST

Nice to see that you racists can turn anything into a forum to spew your hatred. Remember it's as free country you can always leave
Anunaki Sat Dec 27 at 23:28 EST

Nobody wants to talk about Niburu because it is real and to make a movie about what is going to happen really would not accomplish distracting the public with a fantasy mock story so as to make it merely a sci-fi story, not reality. We will see wont we
same old, same old Sat Dec 27 at 22:08 EST

Apocalypse some time or another. Why not now? I think there aren't any writers in Hollowwood anymore. Recently saw The Day The Earth Stood Still. Hell, the 1951 version was written better than this crap.
I'm Reliving the 70's!!! Sat Dec 27 at 19:14 EST

Possieden flipping, Towers of Inferno, more eatthquakes in L.A. , Jumbo jets with no engines!!! Lord help us, let's recycle the lousey disaster movies from the 70"s all over again. Is this Hollywood's way to "Save the Planet'? Good grief, we're gonna die from boredom!
Dale Fri Dec 26 at 21:12 EST

Well...take it as you like...this is just a taste of what is to come in or about 2012 (it's much worse)! Ok...I am the "crackpot"! But, you are the idiots (much worse)!
Time and Distance Fri Dec 26 at 18:06 EST

Sir Isaac Newton also researched 2012 and discovered some correlations between time (as in years) and distance (as in miles), such as 539 miles between the Temple in Jerusalem and a geographical place mentioned in prophecy correlated with 539 years between predicted events. The concept is discussed in the book, "The Temple at the Center of Time." Why not go all out and make a movie about the Second Coming of Christ in Power and Glory in the Clouds of Heaven when the sky is rolled back like a scroll. Talk about special effects. True, no one knows "the day or the hour," but we are warned to know the "seasons." So, what happens if before this movie comes out, the Rapture occurs and one-third of the planet's population is evacuated and 2/3 are left behind? Will those left behind go to see "2012" anyway? Will the Antichrist even allow it to be shown? In spite of Emmerich, think outside the box. It's good for you.
2012 its fun its fact Fri Dec 26 at 12:16 EST

crazy man ! the comments were funnier than the script,,whats up with people taking everything so seriously,, cant people go to a move and enjoy the fact that they can sit in a theater and see a movie about the end of the world,,and know its not true,, people get a grip,, enjoy the movie, the little dog is a cutie,

So...not only do we have all the global crises to worry about, apparently the Anti-Christ is going to censor our movies. What an asshole.